Dickhead
07-27-05, 20:17
I have been asked for both my papas fritas recipe and my batatas fritas recipe. The procedures are similar but the cooking time for the batatas will be longer.
Scrub the unpeeled potato or sweet potato with a brush under cold water, then peel it. Why do you scrub it if you are just going to peel it? #1 because there will still be a nastification factor if you don't and #2 then you can use the peels in soup stock. Just fucking do it or don't ask me for any more recipes.
Cut the peeled specimen into the desired length and thickness. This is partly a matter of personal taste, but if you make them too small you will have problems and if you make them too big you will have problems. But different horses for different courses. I could cut 'em smaller, sort of a large julienne, if I wanted to use them as a garnish. I might cut 'em relatively big to serve with a great big steak.
Now pat them dry with paper towels. Look asshole, I said paper towels and I have my reasons. If you are not willing to follow my instructions just buy Joy of Cooking and go from there. I guarantee you iif you use cloth towels once you won't do it again but some people just have to learn the hard way. Yes, it is a pain in the ass. No, you will not get the same results if you just let them drain in a colander. If you don't know what a colander is, stop reading now and go to McDonald's. Ha ha.
Now there are two important issues: type of oil and oil temperature. I am flexible on the former but not on the latter. Don't use olive oil and if you do, never ask me for another recipe ever again. I like to use peanut oil but it is expensive and not really necessary and any vegetable oil will be okay if you follow all my other instructions. Heat the oil in a large, heavy pot not some cheap K-mart shit. Heat it to 250 degrees Fahrenheit and use a thermometer. Don't use a rectal thermometer. Do I use a thermometer? No. I have been doing this for 34 years and you don't know shit from apple butter. Just do it. If you have a thermometer calibrated in Centigrade it is 121 point 1 repetend degrees and if you don't know what a repetend is, go back to seventh grade. Anyway 120 C should do it.
Don't overload the oil. You need at least a four or five to one oil to spud ratio. Don't have a big enough heavy pot? Tough shit. Go buy one or you are going to fuck this all up. You'll probably fuck it up anyway the first few times plus I know you are going to try to cut corners somewhere and then blame it on Dickhead. See, if you overload the oil, the temperature will drop too much when you put the spuds in and it will be greasy. By the way, after you cut those potatoes they will go brown really fast if you don't put them in water, and then you will have to dry them off again. Not so much of an issue with the batatas.
Now you have some hot oil and some cut spuds and you are going to just throw them in the oil and duck and it will make a big mess. What the fuck is wrong with you? Lower a completely dry strainer full of completely dry spuds gently into the oil unless the chica is going to clean up afterwards, in which case you can throw the spuds in and duck but they still have to be completely dry.
What you are doing now is "blanching" or "par cooking" your fries. How long does this take and how can you tell when they are done? #1 depends on thickness and will be longer with batatas than with papas. #2 is hard to explain. They have to be soft and they can't be mushy. That's one reason you will fuck this up the first few times. If they fall apart when you squeeze them you blanched them too long. A ballpark figure might be 12 minutes for papas and 15 minutes for batatas but this is all going to vary on size and the freshness of the spuds and all that shit.
Once they are blanched, you must drain them thoroughly. Save the oil you drain off; it's perfectly good. Throw it back in the pot. You did turn the pot off, right? Jesus. Do you want to burn the house down? Don't pat them dry with anything and don't rush a good thing. Just relax and let them drain. It takes about 2 or 3 drinks for them to drain properly. Or smoke a joint. If you do that you will forget about them and after a while you will go "OH wow dude the spuds are drained." Once they are blanched they will keep for a few days at room temperature. Hint: room temperature means don't put them in the refrigerator no matter what your mom said about germs. If you refrigerate them you are completely fucked.
Now it's easy. Strain the oil, you lazy fuck and then re-heat it to 350 F for papas or 375 F for batatas. I'm not going to give you the centigrade conversion for those numbers. All the civilized world uses centigrade and while you are at it, learn to use the metric system. This time remember the oil is even hotter so if you use the chuck and duck method and burn your eyes out, I am not responsible. I do it, though. You'll need to add even more oil to the pot to replace what the blanched fries absorbed. Most of you won't use enough oil even so, and then will try to blame Dickhead. Eventually most of you will learn and the rest of you couldn't pour piss out of a boot if I wrote the instructions on the heel.
At this point it is easy to tell when they are done and they will only take a few minutes. Again it depends on size and again the batatas will take longer than the papas but not grossly so. They will float when they are done. Now you are fucked because you never bought that strainer and how are you going to get them out of the hot oil? Hint: a plastic ANYTHING will not work at this point. You'll probably end up using a fork and you won't be able to get them out fast enough and half of them will burn and the kitchen will fill with smoke. Ha ha. Anyway you can re-use the oil a few times. Don't put it in the refrigerator either, but do strain it. Oh, I forgot; you never bought the strainer. So go pour the oil down a sewer drain after it cools down. Seriously, you can burn the fuck out of yourself at any stage of this process so be careful. If you are going to save the oil in a coffee can, pour it AWAY from you and then stay away from the can for at least 3 beers or 2 joints.
Some people like to pat the finished product dry again but I'd rather toss them in the strainer a bit (you rookies will burn yourself here too) and then serve IMMEDIATELY. "Immediately" means right now and not when your clueless girlfriend finishes putting on her eye makeup.
Love,
DH
Scrub the unpeeled potato or sweet potato with a brush under cold water, then peel it. Why do you scrub it if you are just going to peel it? #1 because there will still be a nastification factor if you don't and #2 then you can use the peels in soup stock. Just fucking do it or don't ask me for any more recipes.
Cut the peeled specimen into the desired length and thickness. This is partly a matter of personal taste, but if you make them too small you will have problems and if you make them too big you will have problems. But different horses for different courses. I could cut 'em smaller, sort of a large julienne, if I wanted to use them as a garnish. I might cut 'em relatively big to serve with a great big steak.
Now pat them dry with paper towels. Look asshole, I said paper towels and I have my reasons. If you are not willing to follow my instructions just buy Joy of Cooking and go from there. I guarantee you iif you use cloth towels once you won't do it again but some people just have to learn the hard way. Yes, it is a pain in the ass. No, you will not get the same results if you just let them drain in a colander. If you don't know what a colander is, stop reading now and go to McDonald's. Ha ha.
Now there are two important issues: type of oil and oil temperature. I am flexible on the former but not on the latter. Don't use olive oil and if you do, never ask me for another recipe ever again. I like to use peanut oil but it is expensive and not really necessary and any vegetable oil will be okay if you follow all my other instructions. Heat the oil in a large, heavy pot not some cheap K-mart shit. Heat it to 250 degrees Fahrenheit and use a thermometer. Don't use a rectal thermometer. Do I use a thermometer? No. I have been doing this for 34 years and you don't know shit from apple butter. Just do it. If you have a thermometer calibrated in Centigrade it is 121 point 1 repetend degrees and if you don't know what a repetend is, go back to seventh grade. Anyway 120 C should do it.
Don't overload the oil. You need at least a four or five to one oil to spud ratio. Don't have a big enough heavy pot? Tough shit. Go buy one or you are going to fuck this all up. You'll probably fuck it up anyway the first few times plus I know you are going to try to cut corners somewhere and then blame it on Dickhead. See, if you overload the oil, the temperature will drop too much when you put the spuds in and it will be greasy. By the way, after you cut those potatoes they will go brown really fast if you don't put them in water, and then you will have to dry them off again. Not so much of an issue with the batatas.
Now you have some hot oil and some cut spuds and you are going to just throw them in the oil and duck and it will make a big mess. What the fuck is wrong with you? Lower a completely dry strainer full of completely dry spuds gently into the oil unless the chica is going to clean up afterwards, in which case you can throw the spuds in and duck but they still have to be completely dry.
What you are doing now is "blanching" or "par cooking" your fries. How long does this take and how can you tell when they are done? #1 depends on thickness and will be longer with batatas than with papas. #2 is hard to explain. They have to be soft and they can't be mushy. That's one reason you will fuck this up the first few times. If they fall apart when you squeeze them you blanched them too long. A ballpark figure might be 12 minutes for papas and 15 minutes for batatas but this is all going to vary on size and the freshness of the spuds and all that shit.
Once they are blanched, you must drain them thoroughly. Save the oil you drain off; it's perfectly good. Throw it back in the pot. You did turn the pot off, right? Jesus. Do you want to burn the house down? Don't pat them dry with anything and don't rush a good thing. Just relax and let them drain. It takes about 2 or 3 drinks for them to drain properly. Or smoke a joint. If you do that you will forget about them and after a while you will go "OH wow dude the spuds are drained." Once they are blanched they will keep for a few days at room temperature. Hint: room temperature means don't put them in the refrigerator no matter what your mom said about germs. If you refrigerate them you are completely fucked.
Now it's easy. Strain the oil, you lazy fuck and then re-heat it to 350 F for papas or 375 F for batatas. I'm not going to give you the centigrade conversion for those numbers. All the civilized world uses centigrade and while you are at it, learn to use the metric system. This time remember the oil is even hotter so if you use the chuck and duck method and burn your eyes out, I am not responsible. I do it, though. You'll need to add even more oil to the pot to replace what the blanched fries absorbed. Most of you won't use enough oil even so, and then will try to blame Dickhead. Eventually most of you will learn and the rest of you couldn't pour piss out of a boot if I wrote the instructions on the heel.
At this point it is easy to tell when they are done and they will only take a few minutes. Again it depends on size and again the batatas will take longer than the papas but not grossly so. They will float when they are done. Now you are fucked because you never bought that strainer and how are you going to get them out of the hot oil? Hint: a plastic ANYTHING will not work at this point. You'll probably end up using a fork and you won't be able to get them out fast enough and half of them will burn and the kitchen will fill with smoke. Ha ha. Anyway you can re-use the oil a few times. Don't put it in the refrigerator either, but do strain it. Oh, I forgot; you never bought the strainer. So go pour the oil down a sewer drain after it cools down. Seriously, you can burn the fuck out of yourself at any stage of this process so be careful. If you are going to save the oil in a coffee can, pour it AWAY from you and then stay away from the can for at least 3 beers or 2 joints.
Some people like to pat the finished product dry again but I'd rather toss them in the strainer a bit (you rookies will burn yourself here too) and then serve IMMEDIATELY. "Immediately" means right now and not when your clueless girlfriend finishes putting on her eye makeup.
Love,
DH