View Full Version : Jokes / One liners
Amen Sid.
Life is a series of getting knocked down, kicked, and stepped on, this happens to everybody. Unfortunately the kid in Chicago got the ghetto treatment.
My observation of liberals:
·Their essentially weak, lazy people both mind and will.
·They're looking for a hand out not a hand up.
·Their happiest when most everyone is like them, miserable and depressed.
·Their view of the world is a higher power (government, or god forbid a GOD) will make things better. Oh yea, I have little belief in either now a day.
·They truly want to be 'kept' people, so they can hide in plane view where no one has anything to speak of.
Summary:
We all have choices in life regardless of your socio economic background. It's true when someone says, "it's not where you come from but where you're going in life". Liberals are busy looking in the review mirror missing life's opportunities. The pisser is, if you took the mirror away they'd ***** their rights are being violated.
Logical thinking is difficult for some people
Canitasguy
10-08-09, 17:55
A mother drops her cute little pre-teen daughter at the barbershop for a haircut, while she runs next door for a cafe latte at Starbucks.
The kid climbs up on the barber chair. The barber puts the sheet over her shoulders and starts to trim her hair. She sits quietly and eats a big oatmeal cookie her mother left for her.
At one point the barber apologizes "Honey, I see you have hair on your cookie!"
The kid looks up and bats her adorable baby blues. She smiles shyly and says: "I know and I am only 9 and a half."
Should we assume the prior two comments are self-admissions from the posters that they can't read thread titles! Otherwise they are humor deprived and need to adjust their meds!
Canitasguy
10-13-09, 17:19
25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER.
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
'Because I said so, that's why.'
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
13 My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
'You are going to get it when you get home!'
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'
19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
25. And my favorite:
My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!'
Canitasguy
10-15-09, 17:15
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said "Do you have any Italian bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves. By the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this but me."
No COLA for Seniors in 2010
www.eldercarecafe.net/no-cola-for-seniors-in-2010.html
No COLA for Seniors in 2010
www.eldercarecafe.net/no-cola-for-seniors-in-2010.htmlHAHA.
I saw the same thing in my google news updates and I swear I was gonna post that.
The title is very misleading.
At first I was like:(
But then I after I read it I was like:)
WorldTravel69
10-21-09, 02:15
No Cola, but, fortunately I will be spending my next stimulus on a 100 dollar massage, with happy ending.
Sorry, Exon I know you can not get those in your State. But, you can in NV.
No COLA for Seniors in 2010
www.eldercarecafe.net/no-cola-for-seniors-in-2010.html
So this isn't really a joke or a one liner, but it sort of fits here. I was exchanging emails with a Brazilian girl, whose English is not the best, that I really want to seriously have my way with. I asked her what her favorite country was (Italy) and then in the following I asked her her least favorite country. This is what she wrote:
I dunno. I'm really boring to eat. Maybe one country with strange food, haha!:)
I really have no idea how to respond. My first instinct was to say something like "Oh honey, I'd never get bored eating you." But there has to be something better.
I really have no idea how to respond. My first instinct was to say something like "Oh honey, I'd never get bored eating you." But there has to be something better.Well, if you want to change subject just tell her: "Mmmm, interesting". Or maybe something like: "Oh I see". It's neutral, you don't express an opinion, she won't feel offended and the answer lets you go through and change subject.
My 2 cents.
W
Sydney,
I heard this one about 3-4 yrs ago on a forum that I doubt you'd ever read (full of liberals). Substitute the queen of ideas such as "Invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity" for Pelosi, and its the same joke. Definitely a good one.
A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates.
He is very excited as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammad.
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.
"Are you Mohammad?" he asks.
"No, my son, I am Peter. Mohammad is higher up," and he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.
Delighted that Mohammad should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.
He asks again, "Are you Mohammad?"
"No, I am Moses. Mohammad is higher still."
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy, he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammad?"
'No, I am Jesus. You will find Mohammad higher up."
Mohammad higher than Jesus! The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher. Once again, he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:
"Are you Mohammad?" he gasps, as he is by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.
"No, my son. I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"
"Yes, please, my Lord"
God looks behind him, claps his hands, and calls out.
"Hey, Mohammad, two coffees!"
Dear Mr. President:
Please find below my suggestion for fixing America �s economy.
Instead of giving billions of dollars to companies that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.
You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:
There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force.
Pay them $1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following.
Stipulations:
1) They MUST retire. Forty million job openings -
Unemployment fixed.
2) They MUST buy a new American car. Forty million cars ordered-
Auto Industry fixed.
3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage-
Housing Crisis fixed.
It can't get any easier than that!
If more money is needed, have all members of Congress.
And their constituents pay their taxes.
If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know.
If not, please disregard. Then shoot yourself!
1 job opening.
____________________________________________________________
Medical Insurance Quotes.
CompGood grief Sid, do the math.
$40,000,000 x 1,000,000 = 40,000,000,000,000
That plan would cost 40 TRILLION dollars.
Thanks,
Jackson
Member #3318
11-03-09, 21:34
Jackson is right. The real problem is that any and all of these fixes are basically a zero sum game.
I think Jackson should have a new survey.
What should we do with illegal immigrants?
A. 12 Years Hard Labour.
B. Indefinite Detention.
C. Shoot them all.
C would be the cheapest. My vote.
QuakHunter
11-06-09, 21:14
THE ESSENCE OF CHUTZPAH.
A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but never take a pretzel.
And this went on for more then 3 years. The two of them never spoke. One day, as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him.
"Sir, thank you for your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has gone up to 35 cents."
WorldTravel69
11-09-09, 19:47
Sid,
I sent what you wrote to my friends and someone sent this answer to me and all my friends, even though I used BCC. (Blind Carbon Copy) I guess you cannot hide who your friends are.
"No, you don't get it, and if you don't stop believing what you hear on Right-wing radio you never will.
Illegal immigrants don't get social security cards, don't get welfare, and dDon't get food stamps. They can get AFDC (aid for families with dependent children) and food stamps FOR THEIR CHILDREN, IF their children are U. S. Citizens. And anyone can get limited medical attention in emergency rooms, in any industrialized nation in the world.
If you really object to illegal immigration, if it's not just a problem you have with non-white people, support fining and / or jailing illegal employers. The illegal immigrants will go home. Problem solved."
Ok. I think I get it.
Let me see if I understand all this.
If you cross the North Korean border illegally you get 12 years hard labor.
If you cross the Iranian border illegally you are detained indefinitely.
If you cross the Afghan border, you get shot.
If you cross the turkey border illegally, you spend the rest of your life in prison!
But, if you cross the USA border illegally you get:
A drivers license.
A social security card.
Welfare.
Food stamps.
And, free health care?
Oh well sure. That makes perfect sense.
Sidney,
There seems to be a flaw in the quiz. It described me as a liberal!
Your friend Steve
What's black and white and red all over? A skunk with a really really bad rash.
No, a terrible joke, I know. But it wasn't political hyperbole at least!
Ok, although Sydney's latest post was not exactly a joke, it was a source for a bit of humor (unlike the previous batch! Sorry Sid!
I had to go take the test. I scored 100% in both personal and economic as a Libertarian! I knew it!
"LIBERTARIANS support maximum liberty in both personal and economic matters. They advocate a much smaller government; one that is limited to protecting individuals from coercion and violence.
Libertarians tend to embrace individual responsibility, oppose government bureaucracy and taxes, promote private charity, tolerate diverse lifestyles, support the free market, and defend civil liberties."
Amen.
WHY MEN SHOULD NEVER WRITE AN ADVICE COLUMN.
Dear Harry,.
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bed, naked with our neighbour's daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbour's daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years!
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was made redundant six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila.
******************************
Dear Sheila,.
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.
Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires.
If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps, Harry
CrazyHorse0017
11-30-09, 20:28
Hi Sid,
I'm in no way a Landrieu fan, but if you are talking about the bribe she just took for her vote on healthcare, it was $300 million. Still way too much and completely unethical.
CH
WorldTravel69
12-08-09, 23:51
Not Closed, just Moved.
http://www.worldfamousbrothel.com/
"BAIL'EM OUT!
Hell, back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now, we are trusting the economy of our country, our banking system, our auto industry and possibly our health plans to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a ***** house and selling whiskey?"
"What are we thinking"
QuakHunter
12-09-09, 20:40
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna.
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
Sincerely, Edna
"18 of my Favorite Holes"
Or.
"Holes I have Played Through"
To My Democrat (liberal) Friends:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious / secular persuasion and / or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.
I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2009, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.
To My Republican (conservative) Friends:
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
I received this from a liberal friend who voted for Obama.
A Slow Day in Texas.
It's a slow day in a little East Texas town. The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich tourist from back east is driving through town. He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.
As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.
The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.
The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.
No one produced anything. No one earned anything.
However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how Stimulus works.
AllIWantIsLove
12-22-09, 04:13
Better yet (if you're the government) all of those businesses (except for the hooker I suppose) will have to report an additional $100 in income / profit and therefore pay higher taxes than they would have otherwise.
QuakHunter
12-22-09, 11:25
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears.
She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and have hot, steamy, monkey-circus Sex!
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,.
'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes,.
And says:
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'
The Sierra Club and the U. S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to a group of Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting or trapping the predators, these two groups were offering a more humane solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and turned loose again. Thus the population would be controlled.
The ranchers listened to the presentation and then sat there in a sort of dumfound silence, trying to make sense of the amazing proposal they had just heard.
Finally, an old boy in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, 'Son, I don't think you understand our problem. Those coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!'
"What do you MEAN Timmy's birthday party was busted by the Vice Squad?"
"You remember that 'Amber' that he wanted to do tricks?"
"Yeah."
"She may have "Bring a little magic into your day" on her card, but she sure as hell isn't a magician."
WorldTravel69
12-26-09, 13:19
Bush did it. What a short memory.
If Al-Queda wants to destroy the country we love, they better hurry because Obama is beating them to it.
WorldTravel69
01-03-10, 03:38
Does this mean you do?
I Do!
President Obama and VP Biden are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Obama and Biden sitting over there?"?
The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! What are? You guys doing in here?"
Obama? Says, "We're planning W. W. III."
The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Obama says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits."
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits?
Why are you going to kill a blonde with big tits?
Obama turns to Biden and says, "See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims?
QuakHunter
01-09-10, 00:26
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
Signed.
Tiger Woods
QuakHunter
01-09-10, 21:22
1. What do you call a pantry full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet.
2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A Klondyke.
3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
Militia Etheridge.
4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.
5. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
Fur Traders.
6. What is a lesbian dinosaur called?
A Lickalotapuss.
7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
Well Hung.
8. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned?
She was found face down in Ricki Lake.
9. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
Even the pool table doesn't have balls.
10. What do you call lesbian twins?
Lick-a-likes.
12. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker.
13. What do you have when you've got 50 lesbians and 50 Government workers?
100 people that don't do dick.
Punter 127
01-17-10, 22:47
FIRST BOOK OF GOVERNMENT.
Obama is the shepherd I did not want.
He leadeth me beside the still factories.
He restoreth my faith in the Republican party.
He guideth me in the path of unemployment for his party's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the bread line,
I shall fear no hunger, for his bailouts are with me.
He has anointed my income with taxes,
My expenses runneth over.
Surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will live in a mortgaged home forever.
I am glad I am American,
I am glad that I am free.
But I wish I were a dog.
And Obama were a tree.
-----------------------------
Brings a tear to your eye, doesn ’t it?
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.
She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action. As it gallops along at its steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but despite her best efforts, slides down the horse's flanks.
The horse continues to gallop along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground time and time again.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Frank, the WalMart's trolley boy, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"?
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZRV3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in anultra-high- resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves. "
That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U. S. Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.
Dear Employees:
As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way.
To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%. But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead.
This has really been bothering me since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.
So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots and found sixty 'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change. I gave it to them.
I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.
THE BOSS
Frozen Crabs and the Blond Stewardess.
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up. So she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blonds aren't as dumb as some folks think.
Rush Limbaugh said it yesterday:
"I LOVE the women's movement. Especially when I'm walking behind them!"
• 9:15 am – Arrive after an easy flight that included grudge fucking under the blanket the recently divorced 29 year old in 4B.
• 9:20 am - Picked up at airport in limo with two of last years runner up champion tango dancers (both female) and enjoy a double headed blow job while sipping an ice cold Heineken.
• 10 am - Arrive at Jackson's apartment and enjoy a breakfast feast prepared by a former Miss Teen Argentina wearing only an apron and high heels.
• 10:30 am – Enjoy a two hour deep tissue massage by a Paraguayan masseuse while watching Miss Teen Argentina, and the tango dancers eat each other out under the massage table (looking through the hole)
• 12:30 pm - Quick hand job / blow job by Former Miss Teen Argentina with accompanying prostrate massage by masseuse.
• 12:31 pm – Sleep while masseuse cleans up kitchen and cum off the ceiling.
• 3:49 pm – Wake up with next year's Miss Farm Implement's tits in your face, and enjoy a following titty fuck.
• 4 pm – Catch up with friend while sipping Mt. Gay Rum from duty free.
• 4:56 pm – Enjoy a good "after an overnight flight shit."
• 5 pm – Shower and dress for a short walk to a local wine vendor and select wine for tomorrow's party.
• 5:22 pm – Sneak a quick kiss and feel up the chica at the wine store (friends friend) while flexing biceps, both torn and not torn.
• 6 pm – Return to apartment to find Miss Teen Argentina and last years runner up champion tango dancers, nude and on the marble floor, with an entire bottle of Wesson Oil, half a joint, vibrators, and a short, but effective whip, all screaming "where the fuck have you and El Burro (Sam's penis) been!" Send friend to store for more Wesson Oil, whipped cream, and chocolate bars.
• 8:35 pm – Shower and enjoy a six hand back scrub to remove all traces of oil, chocolate, cum, blood, etc.
• 9 pm – Enjoy a Red Bull and vodka while watching girl's crawl around on all fours cleaning up apartment and hearing on CNN that Obama has been killed by West Texas Red Necks, and Nancy Pelosi is in serious condition from a thirty hour gang bang by friends of Islam. She later died.
• 9:30 pm – Taxi to join friend, Nicole, and Marie to an evening of tango shows, fine dining, great wines, coffee, and desert.
• 12:59 am – Salsa dancing with Nicole and Marie while enjoying shooters of rum and ground up Viagra.
• 3:30 am - Venture to swingers bar and hook up with a group of five Swedish Ski Instructors all wanting to enjoy a two male, seven woman, orgy. Ski Instructors pick up tab at swingers bar.
• 5:33 am – Learn how to say "what color car do you want" in both Spanish and Swedish.
• 5:59 am – Race in local taxi through the streets of Buenos Aires with friend, Nicole and Marie passed out and you having no idea where you are going.
• 09:30 am – Arrive at apartment after an unscheduled city tour and stop at American Express to pay taxi bill after talking the highly pissed taxi driver out of introducing you to his "friends".
• 9:40 am – Try to sleep while your now rested friend, Nicole, and Marie fuck and scream in the next room.
• 11:24 am – Sleep after slipping friend a Viagra and cutting his restraints.
• 4 pm – Wake up and review photos of the night before, and realize that the hot chick you were kissing / mugging with, and feeling up, has a five o'clock shadow, an Adam's apple and bulge in his skirt.
• 4:03 pm – Vomit, gargle, floss, brush, shower, and repeat six times while erasing the photos of the hot chick (with dick)
• 4:50 pm – Find invitation to a swim suit party hand addressed by the lead Ski Instructor in your pants pocket while searching for the ibuprofen.
• 4:58 pm – Receive email on Blackberry from Financial Adviser informing you that your portfolio is currently 44 percent up due to last nights news.
• 4:59 pm – Place order to sell everything with Financial Advisor.
• 5 pm – Wake up friend, and ask "when are we going to have some fun, I came a long way."
Two prawns were swimming around in the sea. One called Justin and the other called Kristian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Kristian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten. 'A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passes and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a drink. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.
'Where's Kristian? ' he asked.
'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Kristian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again. '
Kristian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner. '
Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed. I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Kristian'.
Little Tony started the day early having set his alarm clock for 6 am.
(MADE IN JAPAN)
While his coffeepot was perking.
(MADE IN CHINA)
He shaved with his Electric razor.
(MADE IN HONG KONG)
He put on a Dress shirt.
(MADE IN SRI LANKA)
Designer jeans.
(MADE IN SINGAPORE)
And Tennis shoes.
(MADE IN KOREA)
After cooking his breakfast in his new Electric skillet.
(MADE IN INDIA)
He sat down with his Calculator To see how much he could spend today.
(MADE IN MEXICO)
Set his Watch.
(MADE IN TAIWAN)
To the radio.
(MADE IN INDIA)
He got in his car.
(MADE IN GERMANY)
Filled it with GAS.
(from Saudi Arabia)
And continued his search.
For a good paying AMERICAN JOB.
At the end of yet another discouraging.
And fruitless day Checking his Computer.
(made in MALAYSIA)
John decided to relax for a while and put on his sandals.
(MADE IN BRAZIL)
Poured himself a glass of Wine.
(MADE IN FRANCE)
And turned on his TV.
(MADE IN INDONESIA)
And then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM HIS PRESIDENT.
(MADE IN KENYA)
A farmer decided he wanted to go to town and see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?". The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chuck. Wherever I go, Chuck goes."
"I'm sorry Sir," said the ticket agent. "We can't allow animals in the theater." The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed Chuck down his overalls. Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge," whispered Mildred.
"What?" said Marge.
"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.
"He undid his pants and he has his thing out", whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it", said Marge. "At our age we've seen 'em all".
"I thought so too", said Mildred, "but this one's eatin' my popcorn!"
Makes more sense! Or not?
Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel "pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land."
Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the promised land".
Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels and mortgaged the promised land!
I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc. I called Lifeline.
Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
Rockin Bob
05-05-10, 13:46
I was talking to this guy today about life in the Philipines and how the girls have a tendency to attach themselves to you.
He said that there the definition of Eternity is the difference between the time you come and the time she leaves.
QuakHunter
05-24-10, 17:22
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."
QuakHunter
06-25-10, 11:11
It was announced today that Buckwheat, of Our Gang fame, has converted to The Muslim faith and changed his name.
From now on he will be known as Kareem of Wheat.
Obama Jokes.
"You know the honeymoon is over when the comedians start." says Doug French.
The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree. And think 25 to life would be appropriate.
–Jay Leno.
America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
–Jay Leno.
Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
–Conan O'Brien.
Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
–Jay Leno.
Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners.
–David Letterman.
Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America!
–Jimmy Fallon.
Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.
–Jimmy Kimmel.
Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.
–David Letterman
It is a slow day in the small Saskatchewan town of Pumphandle and streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.
A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.
As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op.
The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.
The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.
The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves.
No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a "stimulus package" works.
TejanoLibre
11-02-10, 05:52
What is the common food stuff that reduces a woman's sex drive by 90% when she tastes it?
WEDDING CAKE!
TL
I found out last night that my security clearances are still valid. I was able to log onto the secure side of the TSA site.
This news is too good to be kept under wraps.
But with all the problems Julien Assange is having with WikiLeaks, I thought it should be 'outed' here.
These are the "TSA Special Agents" who were detailed to take care of Santa getting his "enhanced pat-downs" when he entered USA airspace:
27741
I'd be jolly too!
Merry Christmas!
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved".
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British
issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide".
The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire
that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing".
Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes damn near everywhere "just in case".
Canada doesn't have any alert levels.
New Zealand has raised its security levels. From "baaa" to "BAAAA".
Due to continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate".
Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!","I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
Gauntlet77
01-05-11, 15:45
Canada doesn't have any alert levels.
Una pregunta from a Canadian:
What's an alert level.......and why do we need one? Ehh....
Honestly, I can't remember a genuine national emergency since the hockey strike.
THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY AN AUSTRALIAN GIRL.
Three friends married women from different parts of the world.
The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Australia. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.
The following are all replies that Manchester women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing "father's details;" or putting it another way. Who's the Daddy?
These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to checkout #10. It takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 360 East Bolton Avenue where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.
7. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC / DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time, well, I don't have clue.
8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro-Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
9. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Gordo Ramsey did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 56 Miller St, mine might have remained unfertilized.
10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
WorldTravel69
06-15-11, 15:40
I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out that.
My new doctor is a young female and drop-dead gorgeous!
I was embarrassed, but she said,"Don't worry, I'm a professional. I've seen it all before."
Just tell me what's wrong and I'll "check it out.
________________________________________.
I said.
"My wife thinks my dick tastes funny."
SOCIALISM.
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbor.
COMMUNISM.
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM.
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM.
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM.
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM.
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM.
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.
SURREALISM.
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION.
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.
A FRENCH / ARGENTINE CORPORATION.
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you.
Want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION.
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION.
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A SWISS CORPORATION.
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION.
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION.
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION.
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION.
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the * out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION.
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION.
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.
Daddy Rulz
02-11-13, 23:20
This is from the USA board.
"I went home and took the longest shower I ever took and apologized to my dick over and over again he didn't deserve that. I'll try and make it up but he is still traumatize. My dick need counseling now."
I have seen some ugly hookers here but I have NEVER gone so long without nutting that I felt like I had to fuck one because I was that hard up.
"My dick need counseling now." hahahahhahahahaahahahah poor guy.
TejanoLibre
06-04-13, 19:41
I wonder if he got it AFTER he did the " Behind the Candelabra Movie?
http://news.yahoo.com/upside-michael-douglas-cunnilingus-confession-214348998.html
TL.
Matt Damon wants to know!
Good movie but TOO Gay!
From The Treasure Chest. . . THE WEDDING TEST.
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less, she would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations, she was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me. I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lord. And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!
WorldTravel69
09-26-13, 15:19
Sorry, this isn't a one liner. But it is funny.
"Wearing a Vietnam Vet Hat to Wal-Mart."
Yesterday, I wore my Vietnam Cap when I went to Wal-Mart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer; but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the Walmartians is always good for some comic relief. Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent the establishment. But, I digress... Enough of my psychological fixations.
While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, "Are you a Vietnam Vet?"
"No," I replied.
"Then why are you wearing that cap?"
"Because I couldn't find the one from the War of 1812." I thought it was a snappy retort.
"The War of 1812, huh?" the Walmartian queried, "When was that?"
God forgive me, but I couldn't pass up such an opportunity. "1936," I answered as straight-faced as possible.
He pondered my response for a moment and responded, "Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?"
"It was a Black Op. No one is supposed to know about it." This was beginning to be way fun!
"Dude! Really?" he exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?"
I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice said, "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission."
"Dude," he was really getting excited about what he was hearing, "that is seriously awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?"
"Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage."
The moron nodded knowingly.
"Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still 'top secret' and I shouldn't have said anything."
"Oh yeah?" he gave me the 'don't threaten me look.' "Like, what's going to happen if I do?"
With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you? We wouldn't want anything to happen to them, would we?"
The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door. By this time the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her.
After checking out and going to the parking lot I saw Dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me he started pointing excitedly in my direction. Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the 'I see you' gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped in the car and sped out of the parking lot.
What a great time! Tomorrow I'm thinking about going back with my Homeland Security cap. Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right kind of cap!
Hmmmm, can't use IMG tags here then?
Never mind...link: https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BZrwltNIgAAmytk.jpg:large
WorldTravel69
12-14-13, 02:17
I was laughing for a while, but. . .
WorldTravel69
12-16-13, 14:31
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Parliament Hill this Christmas season.
This isn't for any religious reason.
They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.
A search for a Virgin continues.
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
WorldTravel69
12-24-13, 12:55
Isn't it about sharing?
WorldTravel69
01-05-14, 13:04
Let see, the people want me to. . .
TejanoLibre
01-05-14, 19:13
Let see, the people want me to. . .That's Funny but what's even funnier is that a lot of Morons do not seem to know what the letters G.O.P stand for!
Even The Wall Street Journal has decided to stop referring to The Party as The G.O.P!
A dumbing down due to a dumbing down of the gene pool.
150 years of history!
TL.
By the way, have you noticed how Hideous Hillary Looks?
Hideous Hillary!
Do you really want some **** to run the show?
Would not even give a proper be. Be.be. J to the President!
KillamJonns
01-27-14, 07:59
LOL! Some of the jokes are so stupid that it makes me laugh!
Daddy Rulz
04-16-14, 12:34
"One dude even told me through private message that she smelled like she washed her vagina with an even dirtier vagina.".
LMFAO.
Robert, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. . .
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.
Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 - year. Old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert. '.
Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?
The moral of the story:
Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.
TejanoLibre
03-13-15, 15:00
Some oldies but still funny, hope these don't offend, just some warped humor.
Some one liners.
I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
The wife and I have a water bed which I refer to as "The Dead Sea" and this upsets her?
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?' Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?
Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?
'Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humor!
The wife's back on the warpath. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!
I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.
45 year old Sperm Bank at New Port quoted $500.00 dollars!
I told her that was the funniest Joke I'd heard in Years!
TL.
"A small boy asks his Dad, "Daddy, what is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.
The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense. " So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. " The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about. " The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit. ".
Labrador.
WorldTravel69
08-14-15, 17:10
So I finally landed a job as a Walmart greeter, which is a good find for many retirees, unfortunately I lasted less than a day.
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. Per my greeter training manual I said pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Walmart.” “Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”.
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one is 9, and the other one is 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”.
So I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, madam. I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart.”.
My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.
WorldTravel69
08-18-15, 19:18
I wish our reporters were like this.
https://www.youtube.com/embed/ePG6zUYvUZg
TejanoLibre
11-07-15, 10:52
Look what can happen if you eat Wheaties for 38 years:
TL.
Bobby Doerr
11-07-15, 22:34
What's the difference between a flea and a lawyer? One is a bloodsucking parasite and the other is a small insect.
WorldTravel69
12-31-15, 21:29
With the Holidays close upon us, I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.
As you know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a "social session" with family or friends.
Well, two days ago, this happened to me. I was out for an evening with friends and had more than several whiskies followed by a couple of bottles of rather nice red wine and vodka shots. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit. That's when I did something I've never done before - I took a taxi home!
Sure enough on the way there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real surprise to me, because I had never driven a taxi before. I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it..
So anyway, if you want to borrow it give me a call.
Happy Holidays and be safe out there.
So this white guy goes to Hospital to see he white wife who is having a baby....
On arrive the nurse says Congratulations Sir you have 5 x baby boys.......
He says Well...Really i am not surprised because I have a very BIG Chimney...
Nurse says...If I were you I would clean it because all your boys are Black......
Sly.
WorldTravel69
04-19-17, 17:48
Is off the Air.
Sorry Jackson.
I could not resist.
Say Goodbye to Bill O'Reilly the pervert.
He should have ran for President, then it would not matter.
Is off the Air.
Sorry Jackson.
I could not resist.
Say Goodbye to Bill O'Reilly the pervert.
He should have ran for President, then it would not matter.Shed no tears for the departing O'Reilly as America still has an iconic and bona fide pervert named Bill running around. Last name of Clinton, if my memory serves me.
WorldTravel69
04-23-17, 17:40
If it is Consensual how does that make him a Pervert?
Shed no tears for the departing O'Reilly as America still has an iconic and bona fide pervert named Bill running around. Last name of Clinton, if my memory serves me.
If it is Consensual how does that make him a Pervert?Since it wasn't consensual with some women, such as Paula Jones to whom Bill Clinton agreed in November 1998 to pay $850,000 for sexual harassment compensation, how does that not make him a pervert?
WorldTravel69
04-23-17, 18:48
Funny how Trump gets into this.
http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2016/11/president-trump-can-thank-paula-jones-his-legal-troubles
Since it wasn't consensual with some women, such as Paula Jones to whom Bill Clinton agreed in November 1998 to pay $850,000 for sexual harassment compensation, how does that not make him a pervert?
Funny how Trump gets into this.
http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2016/11/president-trump-can-thank-paula-jones-his-legal-troublesFunny how you didn't answer my question.
Daddy Rulz
05-05-17, 17:10
I have had the pleasure of this young lady's company on several occasions. If you are disappointed you must be dead. She is expensive and not for everyone's pocket book but that's why they make Fiat's and Pagani Zonda C12F.
If you take this young lady for spin be prepared for Mach 2 with your hair on fire.Two Russian oligarchs are having drinks and they notice they are wearing the same tie. Serge looks at Olev and says "nice tie, where did you get it?" And Olev says "I got this in Paris, it is of the finest silk, it cost 10,000 Euro." To which Serge shakes his head and says "oh, that's too bad, you could have gone to London where I got this one and paid 20,000".
She's hot, no doubt, I've seen her, I've seen her nearly naked, she's not a Pagani, a nice caddy maybe, with good lighting a Mercedes. If you're paying for a Pagani, you should get one.
I'm actually a fan of the lady. He marketing is brilliant, by saying that not everybody can afford her, that only men with exquisite taste can afford her, she's guaranteed to find two or three that are going to want to let everybody else know that they do in fact have exquisite taste and can afford her.".
Tip o the hat.
Malbec Eze
05-13-17, 13:46
Heard the United Air Lines Flight Attendants are.
Now being called "drag queens".
Malbec Eze
05-13-17, 13:49
Whaddya get when you cross FBI Director.
James Comey ... With Randy Travis ?
"Here I'm sitting alone.
Diggin up bones" !
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6AaHrOYpi0
TejanoLibre
05-13-17, 20:30
Whaddya get when you cross FBI Director.
James Comey ... With Randy Travis ?
"Here I'm sitting alone.
Diggin up bones" !
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6AaHrOYpi0Are We Not Surprised That He Lasted So Long ?
Keeping him would appear as if it was a reward for Election Assistance.
The Dems wanted his Head on a Silver Platter immediately at first.
Now they are Defending him ?
Fuck Politics !
TL.
He should have received The Medal of Honor !
Doombringer321
05-14-17, 13:49
Found this little gem on pornhub and wished to share with you all.
https://www.pornhub.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ph5915efdd29adb
If they are from argentina they are awesome.
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