View Full Version : Jokes / One liners
Hard to believe this thread does not exist. So, here we go with my ol man's favorite joke:
There is a traveling circus making it's way around the country, when it develops a problem. The lion tamer has sprained his ankle and will not be able to perform for the next show. The circus has a sold out date the next night with NO lion tamer. So they put an ad in the local newspaper for a "temporary lion tamer", hoping to get some applicants. The next day two people show up to be interviewed. A regular looking guy, and a tall, gorgeous blonde wearing a full length fur coat. The regular lion tamer interviews them, and gives instructions on their brief exercise that morning with the lions, to see if they have what it takes. He tells them," Be calm, and always use the chair and the whip to instruct and intimidate the lion. NEVER let go of the whip or the chair, whatever you do!". He asks them if the are ready for the exercise and they say yes. He asks who wants to go first, and the gorgeous woman says, right away, "I'm ready". The lion tamer is nervous about this, but says alright. So he escorts the woman to the big cage and goes in with her. He again reminds her, "Never drop the whip or the chair!". He leaves, and as he and the regular guy are watching one lion is let into the cage. The lion runs angrily around the cage and then spots the woman. He roars and runs straight for the woman. As he is about 10 feet from the woman she drops the whip and chair, and then drops her coat revealing that she is completely nude, and with a spectacular body. The best body the lion tamer and other guy have ever seen. The lion stops dead in his tracks, gets down on his belly, and slowly starts to crawl towards the woman, drooling and whining as he comes. He gets to her and she holds out her foot, which the lion starts licking, totally calm and satisfied. The lion tamer grins, looks at the guy, and says, "Well I'd like to see you top that!". The guy responds, "You get that fucking lion out of there, and I'll give it a shot!".
There is a thread for "Jokes and Humorous Stories" on the international sex guide, wherever that went to.
The lion tamer's understudy has had several months of training but finally has to go on stage for the first time when the lion tamer gets severely ill. A few minutes before the show, the understudy calls the veteran tamer and says, "If all else fails and the lion charges me, what should I do?"
The veteran replies, "Grab a lump of shit and fling it right in the lion's eyes!"
The understudy asks, "Where do I get the lump of shit?"
The veteran replies, "Don't worry; it'll be there."
When Jimmy Hoffa Jr. addressed the Teamster's union after winning the Presidency:
Question: "How many teamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
Answer: "Seven. You gotta problem with that?"
In Las Vegas they gamble so much that when you pick up a hooker you have to flip her to see if you get head or tail.
After watching the world cup, I've decided this vdo has more than a grain of truth to it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LacWlX5gOJI
Another,
Papa Benito is visiting his relatives in the big city, and develops a health problem. So, he goes to a big city doctor's office and walks in without an appointment. There are many fancy men and women sitting in the waiting room. Papa Benito walks up and rings the bell for the receptionist. She opens the window and asks,"May I help you? " Papa responds, "Yeah, I am having a problem with my dick!" The receptionist is outraged, and says, "Sir, we don't allow that kind of language in this office! You march outside, and come back in and then tell me in a civilized way what your problem is!" Papa says "Ok" and leaves, then walks back in. He rings the bell and the receptionist asks, "How can I help you sir?" Papa says, "I am having a problem with my ear". The receptionist smiles and asks, "What kind of a problem, sir?". Papa says, " I CAN'T PEE OUT OF IT!".:)
For the linguists,
After Exon had been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss,y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"
"Good Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"
When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"
"Why yes," replied Exon. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighborly, but where ah come from in Bumfuck Georgia we lack our Beefeaters real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."
I'm of Irish descent so I can get away with the following:
A Brit, Yank, and Mick are sitting at the bar with freshly drawn drought beers with frothy heads. Incredibly a fly alights in the foam or all three beers.
The Brit, trying to be proper, asks the bartender for the barspoon and removes the interloper.
The Yank, with forefinger and thumb, simply flicks his fly off the froth.
The Mick picks up his fly by the wings, turns it tailside up and while holding it over his glass shouts "Spit it out you dirty bastard".
Yeah me too so:
Q: How many Irish does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to hold the light bulb and four to drink until the room spins.
Gramps wasn't doing well so his friend got together and hired a high priced hooker to cheer him up. When she shows she says I'm here to give you some super sex. Gramps says I think I'll have the soup.
A tourist asks an argentine man if he has a match. After patting himself down with a semi-perplexed look on his face the argentine replies "No. But. I have a great body"!
As told to me by jealous cubans:
Why do Argentines go outside when it is lightening?
They think God wants to take their picture.
Written in felt-tip pen on the front of a condom machine in the men's room of a truck stop in Arizona, circa 1970: "Don't buy this gum -- it tastes like rubber."
Favorite graffiti also from the wall of a men's room. (1970's)
"Jesus saves. And Esposito grabs the rebound and scores!"
A man who just escaped from prison and breaks into a couple's house and ties them up in their bedroom. The husband sees the escapee kiss his wife on the cheek and then walk into the bathroom.
The husband says "Listen hon, this guy has probably not been with a woman in a while and is horny so he kissed you. If he wants to fuck you just go with it and save both our lives."
His wife responds "Listen sweetie, he wasn't kissing me, he was whispering in my ear that he's gay and thinks you're cute and wants some vaseline. I told him there's some in the bathroom. Just go with it and save both our lives!"
Bangkok Dave
07-18-06, 15:53
When I die I want to go like my grandmother did. Peacefully in my sleep, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in her car.
Dave
Masturbation tip for those of you in sex prison. Sit on your favorite hand until it goes numb. Then it'll feel like someone else is jacking you off.:D
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out that the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if that fucking ice cream truck hadn't come along."
A guy is waiting in a long line in Cleveland to buy two train tickets for he and his buddy. He notices that the ticket girl way up in the front of the line has a set of huge, wonderful tits. Being a big tit fanatic he can't help but stare, and as the line moves forward and he gets closer, he finds himself staring more and more. Then he gets a little nervous right before he is in front of her. She asks him, "Can I help you sir?", and he responds,"Yes, two pickets to Tittsburgh please!". He is immediately mortified, though the girl smiles, takes his money and gives him the tickets. He walks away still very ashamed and berating himself. The guy who was behind him in line, and heard the mess up comes over to comfort him. The first guy says," I can't believe I said that! What a fucking idiot! What a moron! " The second guy says, "Hey, wait a minute man, people do that kind of thing all the time! That's called a Freudian slip". The first guy says "What's that?", and the second guy responds," Well, that's when you mean to say one thing, but your unconscious says something else instead. I'll give you an example. This morning before I left the house, my wife is serving me breakfast and brings out the toast, and it's burnt! And I say, " GODDAMN YOU BIATCH, WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS TRYING TO FUCK UP MY LIFE!"
Three men were in an airplane: a New Yorker, a Parisian, and a Brazilian.
The American puts his hand out the window of the plane and said, "Ah, we are flying over New York."
The others asked, "How do you know?"
"I just touched the Statue of Liberty!"
A little while later the Parisian put his hand out the window and sighed, "Ah, we are flying over Paris."
The others asked, "How do you know?"
"I just touched zee Eiffel Tower!"
"A little while later the Brazilian put his hand out the window and said, "Ah, we are flying over Rio."
The others asked, "How do you know?"
"Someone just stole my watch!"
This isnt a joke, but wanted to share this vid link with a few of you, as a friend of a freind made it some time ago, and we convinced him to put it on youtube.com funny but yet sick, which many of you will love.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UErhhkI42cA&mode=related&search=
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/52981
One afternoon, a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high."
An old very rich man walks up to the most beautiful 19 year old he's ever seen and flat out says "would you sleep with me for one million dollars?"
She looks at him for a moment and goes "Nothing after that? Just one night and sex with you and I get a million? Hell sure yes I would!"
The man then asks her "Okay, how about for 20 bucks in the back room over there?"
The girl is shocked. "I would NEVER! What kind of a woman do you think I am?"
The man smirks "Oh we already established what kind of woman you are. Now we're simply haggling over price."
Came accross this site by accident. Aside from some nice tail shots, there are pics that look to have familiar background shots. Vote on the tail to see the next pic.
http://www.culomovil.com/index.php
These three men are going through CIA training, trying to become secret agents. They finally get through all their written and physical tests when they are pulled aside by one of the instructors who takes them to a small room with a one way mirror in it looking into another room. They bring the first guy's wife into that room and leave her there. The instructor then loads two rounds into a pistol, hands it to the first man and says "Go kill your wife of five years." The trainee takes the weapon, goes into the next room, but comes back out 1 minute later and says "I can't do it." The instructor replies, "Then you fail. Out- - Get Out."
They then bring the second guy's wife into the room and leave her there. The instructor then loads two rounds into a pistol, hands it to the second man and says "Go kill your wife of ten years." The trainee takes the weapon, goes into the next room, but comes back out 3 minutes later and says "I can't do it." The instructor replies, "Then you fail out -- Get out."
Finally, they bring the third guy's wife into the room and leave her there. The instructor then loads two rounds into a pistol, hands it to the third man and says "Go kill your wife of fifteen years." The trainee takes the weapon, goes into the next room where there is silence for 1 minute. Suddenly, there are two gunshot sounds followed by a huge commotion in the room. The third man comes out finally, sweating profusely, and says, "Good job! You gave me blanks so I had to choke her!"
HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT.
The following is an actual question given on a Washington State University chemistry mid-term.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the.
Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion on, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
! So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct. Leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
This morning President Bush was debriefed by an aide.
"Mr. President, today in Iraq, three brazilians were killed." Bush, with ashen face and trembling body asked, "Exactly how many is a Brazilian?"
StrayLight
06-18-07, 14:41
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know, I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother, a 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"
"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother.
"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.
"No, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
"You missed the fucking putt, didn't you."
Dear Connie,
I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our 'cooling off' period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride has cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.
Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says 'There's no one like you, Connie.' I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.
She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.
What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'm never really thought of that before.
I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I've tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, 'Why do I feel so drained and empty?' It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.
Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.
Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother' s old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, 'Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy.'
Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.
And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you. It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.
If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.
Otherwise, you can let me know where the fucking remote is.
Love, Dogg
Absolutely killer. Perhaps best ever. Thanks for making the day.
Absolutely killer. Perhaps best ever. Thanks for making the day.That "joke" was emailed to me yesterday by a friend. Who happens to be a very overweight, married woman. Go figure.:)
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the Hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful!
What is he doing?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his balls rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"
Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan.
A MAN IN A HOT AIR BALLOON REALIZED THAT HE WAS LOST. HE REDUCED ALTITUDE AND SPOTTED A WOMAN BELOW.
He descended a bit more and shouted. "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied. "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 50 and 51 degrees north latitude and between 114 and 115 degrees west longitude."
"YOU MUST BE AN ENGINEER," SAID THE BALLOONIST.
"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information. The fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
THE WOMAN BELOW RESPONDED, "YOU MUST BE IN MANAGEMENT."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, you've managed to make it my fault."
StrayLight
07-02-07, 18:49
The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Christy," the man replied.
"Sir, Christy is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else?" said the madam.
"No. I must see Christy," he replied.
Just then, Christy appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave them to Christy, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see Christy. Christy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row. It was too expensive, and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Christy, and they Went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he Paid Christy and they went upstairs.
After their session, Christy questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, "South Carolina."
"Really" she said. "I have family In South Carolina."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
Death.
Taxes.
Getting screwed by a lawyer
Dominicfla
07-12-07, 21:18
While it is not exactly a joke, the following was particularly amusing.
A few hours before my flight out of town I was in the transitorio around the block from Cafe Orleans. There was porn playing on a screen - with Spanish subtitles!
Obviously the dialogue in such cinematic fare is beside the point (other than possible inadvertent humor value). That said, I just found it amusing that someone would take the trouble to translate the dialogue into subtitles. Without them, a non-English speaking viewer would simply be lost as to what was going on.
Watch what you wish for.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I5KbpzgBVQ8
StrayLight
08-02-07, 18:14
One of my Spanish conversation partners thinks this joke is hilarious.
¿Cómo hace un puto para sacarse un forro?
Se tira un pedo.
Ja...ja...ja...
Thomaso276
08-05-07, 08:05
PM with offers
My brother recently bought a t-shirt on EBay that says on the back:
01-20-09
THE END OF AN ERROR
StrayLight
08-09-07, 17:26
A blind man wanders into an all-girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
"No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters / gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and
would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster during the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the inventions of beer and the the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.
These two make up the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct.
Subgroups:
1. Liberals.
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative Movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQs and doing the sewing, fetching, and hairdressing.
This was the beginning of the Liberal Movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women the rest became known as girlie-men.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added) but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule, because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, sailors, soldiers, airmen, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a
Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately.
To other true believers and to more liberals --- just to piss them off.
1. Bush: End of an Error.
2. That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway.
3. Let's Fix Democracy in this Country First.
4. If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran.
5. Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.
6. If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President.
7. Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant!
8. Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?
9. George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight.
10. Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blow Jobs Anymore.
11. America: One Nation, Under Surveillance.
12. They call Him "W" So He Can Spell It.
13. Whose God Do You Kill For?
14. Jail to the Chief.
15. No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq?
16. Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full of Crap.
17. Bad President! No Banana.
18. We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language.
19. We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them.
20. Is It Vietnam Yet?
21. Bush Doesn't Care About Wh ite People, Either.
22. Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket?
23. You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.
24. Dub'ya, Your Dad Should'a Pulled Out, too!
25. When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46
26. Pray For Impeachment.
27. The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century.
28. What Part of "Bush Lied" Don't You Understand?
29. One Nation Under Clod.
30. 2004: Embarrassed, 2005: Horrified, 2006: Terrified.
31. Bush Never Exhaled.
32. At Least Nixon Resigned
StrayLight
08-30-07, 18:01
http://www.sexyandfunny.com/watch_video/bj-from-hell_531.html
StrayLight
08-30-07, 21:27
http://www.zooomr.com/photos/denisgobo/3084439/
Nice one Syd, good punchline.
Not really a joke, but it is funny;
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=_tXzKpmRrFs
(See how quick she recovers! )
A man and his wife are discussing different ways to save money.
The husband says, "Honey, learn to cook so we can fire the maid!"
The wife retorts, "Learn to eat pussy so we can fire the gardener!"
This was shamelessly stolen from Orang05!
---------------------------------------------
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars laying around, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank to change them out.
It was a short line, just one lady in front of me; An Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was getting a little irritated.
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty. Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too!"
There's always something to learn or to try, many times you need to say
some phrase in Spanish but you don't know how to say it, don't worry,
Your problems have finished. If your are a gringo and you don't speak
Spanish, this will be helpful in your learning.
For an instance, some common phrases, just try and you're.
Gonna see the difference and how easy is to speak Spanish.
Esta es la mejor parte: leanlo en ingles, esta genial!
1. Boy as n r = Voy a cenar = I'm gonna have a dinner.
2. N L C John = en el sillon = on the armchair.
3. Be a hope and son = viejo panzon = fat old man.
4. Who and see to seek ago = Juancito se cago = Little John is a.
Chickenshit.
5. S toy tree stone = estoy triston = I'm kind a sad.
6. Lost trap eat toss = los trapitos = the little rags.
7. Desk can saw = descanso = (you) rest.
8. As say toon as = aceitunas = olives.
9. The head the star mall less stan dough = deje de estar Molestando =
Stop bugging me.
10. See eye = si hay = yes we have.
11. T n s free o? = tienes frio = are you cold?
12. T N S L P P be N T S O = Tienes el pipi bien tieso = you have an.
Erection.
13. Tell o boy ah in cruise tar = Te lo voy a incrustar = I'm goingTo.
Insert it in you
A New York Lawyer on vacation runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Florida State Trooper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that.
He has a better education then any Florida Trooper. He decides to prove this to himself and have.
Some fun at the Florida cop's expense!
Florida Trooper says," License and registration, please."
New York Lawyer says, "What for?"
Florida Trooper says, "y'all didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
New York Lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming."
Florida Trooper says, "y'all still didn't come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please."
New York Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Florida Trooper says, "The difference is, you gotta come to complete stop, that's the law,. Licence and registration, please!"
New York Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Florida Trooper says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The New York Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Florida Trooper takes out his baton, starts beating the crap out of the lawyer and says,.
" Do y'all want me to stop, or just slow down?"
I want to see Exon do this with Hilda.
http://www.liveleak.com/player.swf?autostart=false&token=2a7_1194023452
I must give credit to Caveman01 for this idea.
I want to see Exon do this with Hilda.
http://www.liveleak.com/player.swf?autostart=false&token=2a7_1194023452
I must give credit to Caveman01 for this idea.My question is who should be on top bring spinned. My vote is Exon.
Daddy Rulz
11-25-07, 15:25
Exon was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss decides to call his bluff, "OK, Exon, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Exon and his boss fly out to Hollywood, knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Head of the Dick! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Exon's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Exon that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, you just name anyone else," Exon says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Exon say's, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington." At the White House, Bush spots Exon on the tour and motions him and his boss over, "Exon, what a great surprise, I was just heading to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in first and let's catch up. You were right about that god damn war and I shoulda listened, you gotta help me figure a way outta this mess."
The boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Exon, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," the boss replies. "Sure!" says Exon. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Exon and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Exon says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Exon emerges with the Pope on the balcony, with some hooker swingen from his joint, and waves, but by the time Exon returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by Exedra girls in nurses uniforms.
Making his way to his boss' side, Exon asks him, "What happened boss?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw. You and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the hell is that on the balcony with Exon"
The farmer got in his pickup, drove several miles to a neighboring farm, and knocked on the farmhouse door.
A young boy about 12 opened the door. "Is yer paw home?" the farmer asked.
"No sir, he ain't. He went into town."
"Well, said the farmer, is yer maw here?"
"No, sir, she ain't here neither," the boy replied. "She went into town with paw."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"He went with maw and paw."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message fer paw."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer paw. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that" he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the boar hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."
http://www.redtube.com/3767
Exon
Thomaso276
12-13-07, 13:44
First, God asks Peyton Manning, "What do you believe?" Peyton thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my fans." God can't help but see the essential goodness of Manning, and offers him a seat to his left.
Then God turns to Tony Romo and says, "What do you believe?" Tony says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true sportsman, both on and off the playing fields." God is greatly moved by Tony's sincere eloquence, and he offers him a seat to his right.
Finally, God turns to Brett Favre, "And you, Brett, what do you believe?" Brett replies, "I believe you're in my seat."
Guy walks down the beach and sees a armless and legless girl. She is crying. He picks her up and asks why is she crying. She says she is 20 and never been kissed. So he kisses her. Good dfk kind. Nice he thinks.
Then she keeps crying and he asks why. She says she is 20 and never been fucked. He thinks about the kiss, looks at her condition. Takes her down to the edge where the waves are coming in. Sets her down slowly, smiles and says.
Now you are fucked.
Installing a Husband
Dear Tech Support,.
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance --particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate.
====================
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Try downloading Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. at least intermittantly.
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources)
Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Best wishes,.
Tech Support
HairBalderman
12-19-07, 21:14
After having spent four months doing business in Argentina this year I sadly returned home to the States, whereupon my father asked me if I saved any money while in Buenos Aires.
I had to be honest with him.
I said, " Dad, they have casinos in Buenos Aires where I gambled but did not win".
I proceeded to explain that the bar I frequented was open 24 hours a day, and that I spent a disproportionate amount of time and money on beer and whiskey for myself and whoever else happened to be there.
Finally, I explained to my father about the women of Buenos Aires.
I said, "Dad, the women in Buenos Aires are famous for their beauty and sensuality. You can spend the whole day gazing at the extraordinary way they carry themselves when they walk on the street. I tried to behave myself, Dad, and stay away from the brothels and bawdy houses, but I was worn down and I was weak. I got hooked and spent untold amounts of money on these women, Pop".
"The rest of my money", I confessed to my beleagured father, "I spent foolishly".
After having spent four months doing business in Argentina this year I sadly returned home to the States, whereupon my father asked me if I saved any money while in Buenos Aires.
I had to be honest with him.
I said, " Dad, they have casinos in Buenos Aires where I gambled but did not win".
I proceeded to explain that the bar I frequented was open 24 hours a day, and that I spent a disproportionate amount of time and money on beer and whiskey for myself and whoever else happened to be there.
Finally, I explained to my father about the women of Buenos Aires.
I said, "Dad, the women in Buenos Aires are famous for their beauty and sensuality. You can spend the whole day gazing at the extraordinary way they carry themselves when they walk on the street. I tried to behave myself, Dad, and stay away from the brothels and bawdy houses, but I was worn down and I was weak. I got hooked and spent untold amounts of money on these women, Pop".
"The rest of my money", I confessed to my beleagured father, "I spent foolishly".I think the great George Best said it best:
"I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered."
TejanoLibre
12-21-07, 22:58
Two chicas were walking down Cordoba near the Lálliance reastaurant one day when they see Exon crossing the street at Pelegrini and one of them says to the other "Damn I'd like to fuck him!"
And the other chica asks "Out of what?"
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their.
Local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them,
"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed.
The game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What.
Do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a.
Beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight!" said the other friend, Can I.
Take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction.
Of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see.
Right in the window."
"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!
Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked,
Too!
He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull.
The trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the.
Mouth."
"Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to.
Teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a.
Few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a.
Grand here."
Man Talk.
JUST PEARLS.
1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory.
I don't remember, what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - "don't" and "stop", unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.
15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.
16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed", many men still sleep with their wives!
AllIWantIsLove
02-22-08, 09:09
Remember when you were in high school and dating that beautiful but totally inexperienced girl and you got to introduce her to sex. (Watch it to the very end! It's pretty short. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NrbguHXN0BA
Jaimito Cartero
03-09-08, 22:57
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China. If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs, and neither will help the American economy.I assume that really is a joke, and not serious. As I know you can't believe that the cost that Walmart pays is 100% of the cost of items. I've recently started purchasing some tools in China, and the markup is unbelievable. Say you buy something for $10 in a Walmart store, it's likely that they pay $2 for it in China. Transportation, labor and other costs bring the over to maybe double that, but they still make a healthy profit.
A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly schlep. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him.
The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her. 'Is it true you're a prostitute?'
'Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?'
'Well, I dunno. What do you charge?'
'I get $100 just for a handjob. We can negotiate from there.'
'$100 for a handjob? Are you nuts?'
'You see that Ferrari out there?'
The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside.
'I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on handjobs. Trust me, it's worth it.'
The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He leaves with her, and get the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This handjob was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life.
The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her.
'Last night was incredible.'
'Ofcourse it was. Just wait 'til you try one of my blowjobs.'
'How much is that?'
'$500'
'$500? C'Mon, that's ridiculous.'
'You see that apartment building across the street?'
The guy looks out front at a 12 storey apartment building.
'I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blowjobs. Trust me, it's worth it.'
Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly blacks out twice from the pleasure he receives.
The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up. 'I'm hooked, you're the best. Tell me, what'll it cost me for some pussy?'
She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street, where between the buildings he can see Manhattan. 'You see that island?'
'Aw, c'Mon, You can't mean that.'
She nods her head. 'You bet. If I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan.'
Aqualung and I walked into a bar. After a while, he finds a chica he desires and he takes her to a private area in the club. When he returns, one can tell he thinks he has done a very good job with her.
So, I ask her how Aqualung did and she responded, "He hobosexual, he hobosexual."
Rathermuch stunned by the chica's comment, I finally summoned the nerve to ask, "Are you saying Aqualung is a homosexual?" She responded, "No, no, he hobosexual, he hobosexual. He bum fuck."
The Day the Penis asked for a Raise:
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss.
The Response.
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina
Member #2041
04-26-08, 21:12
Correction concerning Man Law 24:
British Racing Green is certainly an acceptable color for an automobile, provided that it is a Sports Car.
I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that, no, I was starting the Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke-up in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her horrified. She asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no. It was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my dick and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack. He was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
Stupid b i t c h. Why else would I buy dog food?
What about that? Ja Ja Ja
(seen in Cordoba)
Subject: Jesus: Who / What was He?
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He didn't get a fair trial.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise in salary. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as he gives us.
Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'
The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'
Thomaso276
06-17-08, 20:26
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT & T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'
3. WHAT WAS PLAN be? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot,' the man shouted, 'that's notwhat I said!'
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING? A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart,' 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No,' the man shouted, 'this is her husband!'
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)
8. THE GRAND FINALE! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER. THIS IS TRUE.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
PRESS RELEASE:
Hospitals right across Wales are getting ready for a birth explosion this coming Xmas and are already trying to recruit extra medical staff to cope.
"It's is a worrying side effect of foot and mouth, with the country side closed off and so many dead sheep, our women are bound to be getting a bit more attention" said Gwyn Lloyd Jones of South Glamorgan Health Trust.
The UFWWL (Ugly Fat Welsh Women's League) has reported that they are overjoyed with the situation and are campaigning for a stop to sheep farming in Wales for good. "It's wonderful. All the women in our village are getting some at the moment", said a 25 year old fat Welsh munter.
For a $26 million severance package I will lack intellectual leadership, moral leadership, team leadership, and will also fuck gay Welsh sheep on MCSE's genuine leather couch. For the same price I will lack initiative, ambition, and motivation. I will lack sensitivity for no extra charge as well. But I want my severance package grossed up and I want all my options re-priced.
Punter 127
06-18-08, 08:19
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended. You gotta love the Marines!
Punter 127
06-18-08, 08:26
Our genealogy.
A little girl asked her father, 'How did the human race appear?'
The father answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.'
Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question.
The mother answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the Human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her father and said, 'Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said they developed from monkeys?'
The father answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your mother told you about hers.
A pirate in full regalia walks into a bar and grabs a stool. The barkeep notices that he has a steering wheel sticking out of his fly and asks, "Hey, what's up with the steering wheel?". The pirate angrily responds,"Errrrrrr, its driving me nuts!".
Not a joke but at times reality is funnier than fantasy. Give these folks an 'A' for creativity.
http://www.sun-sentinel.com/video/?slug=sfl-brothelbus-video
Daddy Rulz
07-09-08, 15:21
EDITOR'S NOTE: This report was deleted in accordance with the Forum's SPAM policy prohibiting reports containing political commentary. Please read the Forum's Posting Guidelines for further information. Thank You!
Three little ducks go into a Bar.
'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck.
'Huey,' was the reply.
'How's your day been, Huey?'
'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?' said Huey.
'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, 'Hi, and what's your name?'
'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two.
'So how's your day been, Dewey!' he asked.
'Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?'
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, 'So, you must be Louie?'
'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes.
'My name is Puddles.'
Two Trees & A Woodpecker.
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech, or a son of a birch?' The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.'
Someone down there do us a favior and take one for the team and report.
http://www.platynum.com.ar/Entretenimiento/Fantasias/Badi/Badi01.htm
Exon
A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm.
"Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids."
Teacher saw PENIS written on the Blackboard, she rubs it off.
Next day, it was written bigger, she rubs it again.
Next day she finds written: MORE U RUB, LARGER IT GROWS.
QuakHunter
09-03-08, 11:51
This morning I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who called "out-of-the-blue" to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic." I was flabbergasted. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now" I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."
She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge". "Yeah" I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my lack of muscle tone. Stuff sagging, my teeth not as white and jowls like a Great Dane!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying that tubby, grey-haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover. Then she giggled, "I've put on quite a bit of weight myself!"
So I told her to fuck off.
This morning I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who called "out-of-the-blue" to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic." I was flabbergasted. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now" I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."
She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge". "Yeah" I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my lack of muscle tone. Stuff sagging, my teeth not as white and jowls like a Great Dane!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying that tubby, grey-haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover. Then she giggled, "I've put on quite a bit of weight myself!"
So I told her to fuck off.That got a belly laugh outta me.:)
QuakHunter
09-03-08, 15:23
My internist referred me to a female urologist.
I saw her yesterday and she is gorgeous. She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy. She told me that I have to stop masturbating.
I asked her why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
One day a man walked into a pub in Wales and ordered a pint of beer. All the other men in the bar looked at him and the barman asked, "You're not from around here, are you sir?"
"No," replied the man, "I am from London."
"So, boyo," said the barman, "What do you do for a living then?"
"I'm a taxidermist." replied the man.
"A taxidermist?" asked the barman, "What's one of them then?"
"Well," replied the man, "I mount animals."
The barman then turned to all the other welshmen in the bar and said, "It's ok lad's, he's one of us!"
One day a travelling salesman was driving around rural Wales and decided to stay the night in a farmhouse. After enjoying a fine meal with the farmer, the salesman turned to him and said, "What is it like for hiring a companion for the evening?"
"Well," replied the farmer, "I'm afraid there are not many women around these parts. But there's always Arthur."
"Oh?" said the salesman, intrigued, "How much does he charge then?"
"It will cost you £100." replied the farmer.
The salesman thought for a minute then said, "That's a bit expensive!"
"Well," said the farmer, "the local magistrate takes out £40 because he doesn't approve of those kind of things."
"Oh," answered the man, "so that's £40 for the magistrate and £60 for Arthur."
The farmer shook his head, "No, the local constable also takes £40 because he doesn't approve of those kind of things!"
"Jesus," replied the salesman, "So the magistrate gets £40, the cop gets £40 that only leaves £20 for Arthur! Thats no way to make a living!"
The farmer shook his head again and said, "No - We pay Gareth and Dai £10 each to hold Arthur down, because he doesn't approve of that sort of thing either!"
TOP TEN REASONS FOR BEING DUTCH.
1. You can get arrested for growing plants, but not for smoking them.
2. You can make jokes about the Belgians and still drink their beer.
3. A. You can legally kill yourself.
3. B. You can legally be killed.
4. You're exactly like the Germans, except that nobody hates you.
5. You think you are a world power, but everyone else thinks Copenhagen is your capital.
6. You get to insult people and defend yourself by saying it's a national tradition.
7. You can put your finger in a dyke and it will save your country.
8. You live in the most densely populated country in Europe, and still you've never seen your neighbours.
9. If the economy is bad, blame the Germans. If a war is started, blame the Germans. If you lose your keys, blame the Germans.
10. Bikes are public property. Locks are a challenge.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING BELGIAN.
1. You get to speak three languages, but none of them intelligibly.
2. If other countries want to fight a war, they will do it in your country.
3. You can brew drinks out of fruit, and still call it beer.
4. You are either.
4. A. Like the Dutch, just less efficient.
4. B. Like the French, just less romantic.
4. C. Like the Germans.
5. Decent fries. Real mayonnaise. Great chocolate. The best beer.
6. No one knows anything about you, except for the Dutch and French and they make fun of you.
7. More scandals in a week than any other country in a decade.
8. You can drive like a maniac on the road and nobody cares.
9. All your famous countrymen are either imaginary, or sex-offenders.
10. Face it. It's not really a country, is it?
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH.
1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
2. Experience the joy of winning the World Cup for the first time.
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs.
4. If there's a war you can surrender really early.
5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries.
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride.
9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just @!#$ in the street.
10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN.
1. You can have a president without electing him.
2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it.
3. You can call Budweiser beer.
4. You can be a crook and still be president.
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything.
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun.
7. You get to be really obese.
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy".
10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth with condom on.
TOP TEN REASONS FOR BEING NORWEGIAN.
1. You get to pay the highest taxes in the world.
2. You can kill baby seals and eat Rudolf the Reindeer.
3. You live in total freezing darkness half the year and get 24-hour ozone-hole radiation the other half.
4. You can get capital punishment for smoking dope.
5. You can go skiing in your knickers.
6. You get to hate the Swedes and beat the Brazilians in football.
7. You have to be a woman to get anywhere.
8. You don't need to worry about land prices rocketing - it's fairly spacious.
9. When abroad you can impress people you meet with stories about killing polar bears and shagging penguins - and they believe you.
10. You can actually get bored with blondes.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH.
1. Two World Wars and One World Cup.
2. Warm beer.
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.
5. Union jack underpants.
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8. Bathing once a week - whether you need to or not.
9. Ditto changing underwear.
10. Beats being Welsh.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SCOTTISH.
1. You ain't English!
2. You ain't English!
3. You ain't English!
4. You ain't English!
5. You ain't English!
6. You ain't English!
7. You ain't English!
8. You ain't English!
9. You ain't English!
10. You ain't English!
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN.
1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns.
4. Glorious military history prior to 400AD.
5. Can wear sunglasses inside.
6. Political stability.
7. Flexible working hours.
8. Live near the Pope.
9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair.
10. Country run by Sicilian murderers.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH.
1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes.
2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees.
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits, etc.
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing.
6. Honesty.
7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls.
8. You get to eat bull's testicles.
9. Gibraltar.
10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
Ok, give them a second chance.
1. Oktoberfest.
2. Okotberfest-beer.
3. BMW.
4. VW.
5. Audi.
6. Mercedes.
7. On a highway you can travel at a speed that would bring you to jail in any other country of the world.
8. You do not have to learn German as a foreign language.
9. You think Sauerkraut is delicious.
10. Contrary to common belief laughing is not forbidden by law (yet)
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN.
1. Chicken Madras.
2. Lamb Passanda.
3. Onion Bhaji.
4. Bombay Potato.
5. Chicken Tikka Masala.
6. Rogan Josh.
7. Popadoms.
8. Chicken Dopiasa.
9. Kingfisher lager.
10. Aggravate everyone else by shaking your head when talking.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH.
1. You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you?
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH.
1. Guinness.
2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives.
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road.
4. Pubs never close.
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on.
6. No one can ever remember the night before.
7. Kill people you don't agree with.
8. Stew.
9. More Guinness.
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN.
1. It beats being an American.
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
3. You can play ice hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his / her popularity ratings soar.
7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins.
9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN.
1. Know your great grand dad was a murdering bar steward that no civilized nation on earth wanted.
2. Fosters Lager.
3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you.
4. Cricket captain not afraid to cry live on TV.
5. Tact and sensitivity.
6. Bondi Beach.
7. Other beaches.
8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals.
9. Drinking cold lager on the beach.
10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GREEK.
1. You get to shout about your culture although the only real culture most Greeks have is what is growing between their toes.
2. The police are even more corrupt than the criminals they are supposed to be chasing.
3. You can blow your nose in the street by pinching it between the thumb and forefinger and trumpeting forth without everyone around retching their stomach contents up at the sight.
4. Old women can sport moustaches.
5. Young women can sport moustaches.
6. Men can be hairier than the average grizzly bear and not get put in a zoo.
7. You get to call the bouzouki a musical instrument when the rest of the world sees it as an instrument of torture.
8. You are the only nation to have lost its marbles and still wants to let everyone else around the world know about it.
9. Ridiculous bureaucracy.
10. Nana Mouskouri and Demis Roussos.
QuakHunter
09-05-08, 19:37
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
AllIWantIsLove
09-06-08, 01:44
Good one!
Bob.
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
QuakHunter
09-06-08, 13:52
Can Anyone Answer this Question?
"Why Does a Dog Lick His Balls?"
QuakHunter
09-06-08, 13:54
Can Anyone Answer this Question?
"Why Does a Dog Lick His Balls?"Because he can't make a fist.
Thank you; next show is 9:30. Don't forget to tip the waitresses.
Mike Schmidt
09-06-08, 14:17
Why does a dog lick his balls?
Because he can.
QuakHunter
09-10-08, 13:31
I rear-ended a car this morning.
There we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and then the little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it. He was a DWARF!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, " I'm NOT HAPPY!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
That was when the fisticuffs ensued.
Gato Hunter
09-12-08, 16:12
LOS ANGELES (Sept. 11) - A 22-year-old woman in the United States is publicly auctioning her virginity to pay for her college education, sparking a heated online debate about sex and morality.
The student from San Diego, California, who is using the pseudonym Natalie Dylan for "safety reasons," said she had no moral dilemma with her decision and found it "empowering."
But few bloggers sided with her and some suspected her intentions.
"I don't think auctioning my virginity will solve all my problems," she told celebrity television show The Insider on Wednesday. "But it will create some financial stability. I'm ready for the controversy, I know it will come along. I'm ready to do this."
"We live in a capitalist society. Why shouldn't I be allowed to capitalize on my virginity?" she added.
The woman, who has earned a bachelor degree in women's studies and now wants to start a master's degree in marriage and family therapy, is hoping the bidding will hit $1 million.
The online auction site eBay turned her down so the auction will take place at a Nevada brothel, the Moonlite Bunny Ranch, where her sister is working to pay off her college debts.
The date for the auction was not immediately available.
In a flurry of media interviews and appearances, she admitted that her mother, a fourth grade teacher, does not agree with her decision. Many on the Internet also disapprove.
"Maybe this is the conservative in me coming out, but this seems so wrong," wrote one blogger, Mike. "Isn't this prostitution?"
"I must say I feel sad for the future of our society," said Mike from Montclair State University in New Jersey.
"What disgusts me about this whole thing is the fact that she is promoting it so heavily. It seems less about having some guy pay for her virginity and more about trying to get her 15 minutes and a reality show," said a blogger called "Ent Lawyer."
She does have her supporters -- not surprisingly Dennis Hof, owner of the Moonlite Bunny Ranch.
"I think it's a tremendous idea. Why lose it to some guy in the backseat of a Toyota when you can pay for your education?" he told reporters.
Writing by Belinda Goldsmith, Editing by Miral Fahmy.
Copyright 2008, Reuters.
2008-09-11 00:21:25
Haha @ her thinking someone will pay $1 million.
I bet she gets $ 5000 TOPS.
Regards,
BM.
- A 22-year-old woman in the United States is publicly auctioning her virginity to pay for her college education,.
The woman is hoping the bidding will hit $1 million.
Who the hell wants to pay to fuck someone who has no idea what they are doing?
Who the hell wants to pay to fuck someone who has no idea what they are doing?I'll second that.
Exon
Who the hell wants to pay to fuck someone who has no idea what they are doing?You've never seen that Memoirs of a Geisha movie? There are some real degenerates out there. But then again, everyone has their fetish.
Regards,
BM
Or maybe her third husband was a Republican and told her he had a "weapon of mass destruction" but he was never able to actually find it, but spent all his money trying to find it.
Proof That The World Is Nuts.
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than 'going blind!')
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there.
Any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that.
They had to pass this law?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'
(Is this a great country or what?
Well, not as great as Guam!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses.
150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for these tests?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of?
(Did our government pay for this research?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!
Who Am I?
I am under 45 years old. I love the outdoors. I hunt. I am a Republican reformer.
I have taken on the Republican Party establishment. I have many children.
I have a spot on the national ticket as vice president with less than two.
Years in the governor's office.
Did you guess?
I am Teddy Roosevelt in 1900Sid,
Why did you post this in the Jokes thread instead of the American Politics thread?
Thanks,
Jackson
Sid,
Why did you post this in the Jokes thread instead of the American Politics thread?
Thanks,
JacksonNah, it is in the right thread!
QuakHunter
10-02-08, 13:02
A man walks out to the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'You have perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'
Passenger: 'Who?'
Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along right when you needed a cab. Things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'
Passenger: 'I don't know, there are always a few clouds over everybody.'
Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star, and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'
Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'
Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.'
Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'
Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'
Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'
Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died. I just married his Fucking widow.'
GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!
MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN!
To.
The citizens of the United States of America.
From.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent.
Candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves,
We hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,
Effective immediately. (You should look up "revocation" in the.
Oxford English Dictionary.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen.
Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,
Commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not.
Fancy) Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a.
Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following.
Rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter "U" will be reinstated in words such as "colour," "favour,"
"labour" and "neighbour." Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "-ize" will be replaced by the suffix "-ise." Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.
(Look up "vocabulary")
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as.
'"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U. S. English.
We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to.
Take into account the reinstated letter "u"' and.
The elimination of "-ize."
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,
Or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists.
Shows that you're not quite ready to be independent.
Guns should only be used for shooting grouse.
If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more.
Dangerous than a vegetable peeler, although a permit will be.
Required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in.
Public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start.
Driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same.
Time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the.
Benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and.
Metrication will help you understand the British sense of.
Humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been.
Calling gasoline) of roughly $10/ US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French.
Fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling.
Potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick.
Cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with.
Vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.
Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer,
And European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred.
To as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as they are.
Pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can.
Only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British.
Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will.
Be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be.
Sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.
Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time,
Be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body amour like a bunch of nannies)
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians first to take the sting out of their.
Deliveries.
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (I. E. Tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776)
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p. M. With proper cups, with.
Saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies)
And cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
Since we're on the subject, how do why'all feel about all the silicone in the parts?
Thanks.
Jaggar
QuakHunter
10-09-08, 22:24
"Oral Roberts"
Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald.
More fag jokes:
Q: Two fags are having sex on the beach and they get struck by lightning. Which one gets to heaven first?
A: The one on the bottom; his shit's already packed.
Q: What's the definition of a queer in Texas?
A: Anybody who likes girls better than football.
Q: How can you tell if your best friend is gay?
A: His dick tastes like shit.
Agree, the 2 Bushes have created the worst ever environment so why could we not have Hilary to sort it out? Have to do some promotion, ISOLA2000 IS THE CLOSEST SKI AREA TO NICE AIRPORT. It is my home in Europe since a no of years. Now is the start of a new ski season. Visit here or to AURON.
Daddy Rulz
10-16-08, 19:21
Skip straight.
The Editors: We'll take three cards.
Dick Cheney: Give me one.
Sounds of cards being placed down, dealt, retrieved, and rearranged in hand. Non-committal noises, puffing of cigars.
TE: Fifty bucks.
DC: I'm in. Show 'em.
TE: Two pair, sevens and fives.
DC: Not good enough.
TE: What do you have?
DC: Better than that, that's for sure. Pay up.
TE: Can you show us your cards?
DC: Sure. One of them's a six.
TE: You need to show all your cards. That's the way the game is played.
Colin Powell: Ladies and gentlemen. We have accumulated overwhelming evidence that Mr. Cheney's poker hand is far, far better than two pair. Note this satellite photo, taken three minutes ago when The Editors went to get more chips. In it we clearly see the back sides of five playing cards, arranged in a poker hand. Defector reports have assured us that Mr. Cheney's hand was already well advanced at this stage. Later, Mr. Cheney drew only one card. Why only one.
Card? Would a man without a strong hand choose only one card? We are absolutely convinced that Mr. Cheney has at least a full house.
Tim Russert: Wow. Colin Powell really hit a homerun for the Administration right there. A very powerful performance. My dad played a lot of poker in World War 2, and he taught me many things about life. Read my book.
TE: He's extremely good at Power Point. But we would like to see the cards, or else we can't really be sure he has anything to beat two pair. We don't think he would lie to us, but. Well, it is a very rich pot.
Jonah Goldberg: Liberal critics of Mr. Cheney's poker hand contend that "he doesn't have anything". Oh, really, liberal critics? Cheney has already showed them the six of clubs, and yet these liberals persist in saying he has "nothing". Why do liberals consider the six of clubs to be "nothing"? Is it because the six of clubs is black?
Matt Drudge: ****DRUDGE REPORT EXCLUSIVE****
*****MUST CREDIT THE DRUDGE REPORT*****
The Drudge Report has learned that Dick Cheney has a royal flush, hearts. Developing.
TE: Perhaps if you could just show us a subset of your cards which beat 2 pair? Or tell us exactly what your hand is?
DC: We will show you our cards after we have collected the pot. It is important that things be done in this order, otherwise the foundation of our entire poker game will be destroyed.
TE: We aren't sure.
DC: Very good. And here are my cards. A straight flush.
Judith Miller: Dick Cheney has revealed a straight flush, confirming his pre-collection claims about beating two pair.
TE: Those cards are of different suits. It's not a flush.
Mark Steyn: When will it end? Now liberal critics complain that Dick Cheney's cards are not all the same suit. Naturally, these are the same liberals who are always whining about a lack of diversity in higher education. It seems like segregation is OK with these liberals, as long as it damages Republicans.
MD: ****DRUDGE REPORT EXCLUSIVE****
*****MUST CREDIT THE DRUDGE REPORT*****
A witness has come forward claiming that The Editors engage in racial profiling in blog-linking. Developing.
TE: Wait! It's not even a straight! You've got a eight and ten of hearts, a six of clubs, and the seven and five of diamonds. You have a ten high. That's nothing.
Sean Hannity: Well, well, well. In another sign of liberal desperation, liberals now complain that a ten high is "nothing". Does ten equal zero in liberal mathematics? That would explain a lot.
Robert Novak: It's a perfectly valid poker hand. Apparently, liberals have never heard of a "skip straight". It's a kind of straight, just with one card missing. But if you skip around the missing nine, it's a straight.
Alan Colmes: Mother says I mustn't play poker.
TE: There is no such thing as a "skip straight".
Brit Hume: It seems like some people are still playing poker like it's September 10th. Back then, you needed to have all your cards in order to claim a straight. But, as we learned on that day, sometimes you won't have perfect knowledge. Sometimes you have to learn to connect the dots, and see the patterns which are not visible to superficial analysis of the type favored by the CIA and the State.
Department. Dick Cheney's skip straight is a winning poker hand for the post-9/11 world.
Rush Limbaugh: Do The Editors have two pairs, or a pair of twos? First they say one thing, then another. What are they hiding?
Andrew Sullivan: Dick Cheney never said he had a straight. He was very careful about this. His cards can form many different hands. None of these hands alone can beat a pair of twos; but, taken together, the combination of all possible hands presents a more compelling case for taking the pot than simply screaming "Pair of twos! Pair of twos!" as unprincipled liberal critics of the Vice President so often do.
MD: ****DRUDGE REPORT EXCLUSIVE****
*****MUST CREDIT THE DRUDGE REPORT*****
Did The Editors claim to have "a pair of Jews"? Are they anti-Semites as well as racists? Developing.
Zell Miller: As a lifelong liberal Democrat, I believe Dick Cheney, and I hate liberals and Democrats.
William Safire: Why are liberals so obsessed by Dick Cheney's poker hand? The pot has been taken, the deal is done. If liberals are upset that we are no longer playing by the Marquis of Queensbury patty-cake poker rules, they clearly lack the stomach to play poker in the post-September 11th environment. And why do they never complain about Saddam Hussein's poker playing, which was a thousand times worse?
Christopher Hitchens: The Left won't be happy until the pot is divided up equally between Yassar Arafat, Osama bin Laden, and Hitler. Orwell would have seen this.
Ann Coulter: Why do liberals object so strenuously to the idea of conservatives having a "straight"? Perhaps because it doesn't fit in with the radical homosexual / Islamist agenda they hold so dear?
Report of the Bipartisan Commission on Poker Hands: There is no such thing as a "skip straight".
DC: I have access to poker rules that the Commission doesn't, and so I know for a fact that the cards in my hand are all intimately connected.
George W. Bush: Dick Cheney is telling the truth. I'm a nice man who would drink a beer with you.
Vladimir Putin: I dealt Dick Cheney three aces and two kings.
DC: My deal.
I have heard that the campaign rallying cry in the Obama inner circle is "KILL WHITEY!" But, I also heard that they were planning to off Lumpy and Eddie Haskell as well. Ha Ha Ha!
QuakHunter
10-22-08, 20:01
A man walked into a very high-tech restaurant in New York. As he waited to be seated, he noticed that the Maitre D' was a robot.
The robot clicked to attention and said, 'Sir, there is a one hour wait. And I am programmed to converse with you until a table is ready, If you please.'
Intrigued, the man said, 'OK.'
The robot clicked a couple more times and then asked, 'Sir, what is your IQ?'
The man answered, 'Oh, about 164.' The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, Interstellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc.
The man was most impressed. The next day he returned, But thought he would try a different tack.
The robot again asked, 'What is your IQ, sir?' This time the man answered, 'Oh, about 100'.
So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest football scores, who was going to win the Super Bowl and what to expect the Yankees or Red Sox to do this season.
The guy had to try it one more time. So the next day he returned.
Again the robot asked the question, 'What is your IQ?'
This time the man answered, ' Oh. About 50.'
The robot clicked, clicked again, then leaned close and very slowly asked, 'A-r-e-y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e g-o-i-n-g t-o e-l-e-c-t O-b-a-m-a?
QuakHunter
10-24-08, 17:09
Today on my way to lunch I passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "Vote Obama, I need the money." I laughed.
Once in the restaurant my server had on a "Obama 08" tie, again I laughed as he had given away his political preference--just imagine the coincidence.
When the bill came I decided not to tip the server and explained to him that I was exploring the Obama redistribution of wealth concept. He stood there in disbelief while I told him that I was going to redistribute his tip to someone who I deemed more in need--the homeless guy outside. The server angrily stormed from my sight.
I went outside, gave the homeless guy $10 and told him to thank the server inside as I've decided he could use the money more. The homeless guy was grateful.
At the end of my rather unscientific redistribution experiment I realized the homeless guy was grateful for the money he did not earn, but the waiter was pretty angry that I gave away the money he did earn even though the actual recipient deserved money more.
I guess redistribution of wealth is an easier thing to swallow in concept than in practical application. OR IS IT REDISTRIBUTION OF SOMEONE ELSE'S WEALTH IS A GREAT IDEA!
This stock market crisis is worse than any divorce.
I have lost half my net worth and still have my wife!
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by.
Almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls.
That could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have.
Never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old.
Lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular.
Numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the.
Numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde.
Stepped out.
The father then said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."
Charlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
'Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache.'
His wife is lying in bed and replies: 'I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot.'
The man says: 'I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you.'
QuakHunter
10-28-08, 12:55
Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.
He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that the had a deformity too. Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said 'I too have a problem. My winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.'
She said, 'Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size winky.'
' Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching and teasing, holding one another.
As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, 'You told me your winky was the size of an infant!'
'Yes, it is. 7 pounds, 8 ounces, 19 inches long!'
QuakHunter
10-30-08, 14:56
A third grade teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.
To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'.
'Very good', says the teacher.
Peter says he had toast. 'T-O-A-S-T'.
'Excellent.'
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
'I had jackshit', he says, 'J-A-C-K-S-H-I-T'.
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.
Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her Which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.
Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in bed screwing my mother.
That's why I got Jackshit for breakfast'.
QuakHunter
11-13-08, 21:25
Rollin' with my Homies, Drinkin' Gin & Juice.
"I am going to hang Saakashvili by the balls," Putin said.
"Hang him?" Sarkozy asked.
"Why not?" Putin replied. "The Americans hanged Saddam Hussein."
Mr Sarkozy tried to reason with him: "Yes but do you want to end up like Bush?"
Mr Putin was briefly lost for words, then said: "Ah, you have scored a point there."BTW, this was an ACTUAL quote.
Regards,
BM
The reason we fly all the way to Buenos Aires.
http://bewareofthedoghouse.com/video.aspx
Exon
QuakHunter
12-09-08, 12:01
Two Taliban mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the mothers pulls an envelope out of her bag and starts flipping through photos. And they start reminiscing.
'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.'
'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully.
'He's a martyr now though' mum confides.
'Oh, so sad dear' says the other.
'And this is my second son Khalid. He would be 21'
'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born'.
'He's a martyr too' says mum quietly.
'Oh, gracious me.' says the other.
'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.
He would be 18, she whispers.'
'Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school' '
He's a martyr also,' says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Taliban mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says.
'They blow up so fast, don't they?'
QuakHunter
12-12-08, 16:09
A Man robs a bank and takes hostages. He asks the first hostage if he saw him rob the bank.
The Hostage answers "yes".
Robber shoots him.
He asks second hostage if he saw him rob the bank.
Hostage answers "no, but my wife did".
WorldTravel69
12-16-08, 13:43
Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'
Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'
Whether or not you are a country fan, this is truly the work of a deep thinker, and highly intelligent person.
So simple, yet so profound. Words of wisdom from that famous philosopher Willie Nelson, on his 75th birthday:
"I have outlived my dick."
QuakHunter
12-26-08, 22:20
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football." A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score." After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score. "Five seconds go by and She lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed. The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides.Not to steal some of El Sid's Thunder.
Long Haul Trucker goes into a bar in San Francisco waiting to be unloaded (his freight, not him)
Finds a Sports Bar that looks kind of normal. All of a sudden a Gay guy walks up and says, "Well Hello, you're new here".
Truck driver says, "Get away from me you homo"
Gay Guy says, "I may be Gay, but I'm rugged. I play football"
Truck Driver says, "Football? What kind? I was all-county in Alabama"
Gay guy, "We play Fart Football!"
Trucker says, "Fart Football? What's that?"
Gay guy says, "You chug a beer and that is six points. You pull your pants down and fart and that is the extra point"
Driver says, "Listen Queenie, I've been drinking beer and eating truck driver food for twenty years. You don't even know my ability to win this game"
So they play.
Driver chugs; Touchdown! He pulls his pants down and farts; extra point.
Gay guy Chugs, Touchdown! He pulls his pants down and farts; extra point.
This goes on for three and a half quarters and it is tied.
Finally the Gay guy chugs his beer, pulls his pants down to fart, but in a golden moment of choking (pun intended) he cannot fart.
Thirty seconds left in the game; and filled with a warrior's confidence the Truck Driver chugs his beer. GAME IS TIED!
Here comes the win, the Grizzled veteran can smell the blood in the water. So the Truck Driver pulls his pants down for the extra point and he is very ceremonious about it.
He turns around, places his ass out, squeezes his cheeks ready for the big "Kick" knowing he has won.
All of a sudden the fag gets right behind him, puts his cock right against his ass and starts thrusting, yelling "BLOCK THAT KICK, BLOCK THAT KICK"
QuakHunter
12-29-08, 11:59
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'
'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. So that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!'
QuakHunter
12-31-08, 12:46
A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 99.
The guy obeys and says, 99! The doctor says, 'Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, 99.'
Again, the guy says, '99.'
The doctor said, 'Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.
Now take a deep breath and say, 99.'
The guy begins, 'One. Two. Three'.
QuakHunter
01-07-09, 16:23
Like my Irish Granddaddy always said,.
"Why did God invent alcohol?"
"To keep the Irish from taking over the world."
Enjoy these classics:
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'
******
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he.
Meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
The man said, 'I do, Father.'
The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'
Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
'Certainly, Father,' was the man's reply.
'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, 'Do you want to go to.
Heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'
The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group.
Together to go right now.'
*****
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!'
'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'
*****
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'
'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'
'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.
'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'
She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'
Received this e mail from Exon. What I want to know is what the hell is going on back in the United States.
WARNING Home Depot SCAM -
> >
> >
> > A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.
> > Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out.
> > shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite.
> > traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or.
> > your friends.
> >
> > Here's how the scam works:
> >
> > Two very hot, knock dead gorgeous, 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are.
> > packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your.
> > windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out.
> > of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank.
> > them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride.
> > to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the.
> > way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the.
> > front seat and starts crawling all over you, sucking your dick while the other one steals.
> > your wallet.
> >
> >
> > I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,.
> > 20th & 24th. Also December 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 24th,.
> > three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
> >
> > So tell your friends to be careful.
> >
> > P. S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale $2.99 each
Precocious One
01-09-09, 12:03
Received this e mail from Exon. What I want to know is what the hell is going on back in the United States.
WARNING Home Depot SCAM -
> >
> >
> > A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.
> > Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out.
> > shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite.
> > traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or.
> > your friends.
> >
> > Here's how the scam works:
> >
> > Two very hot, knock dead gorgeous, 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are.
> > packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your.
> > windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out.
> > of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank.
> > them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride.
> > to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the.
> > way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the.
> > front seat and starts crawling all over you, sucking your dick while the other one steals.
> > your wallet.
> >
> >
> > I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
> > 20th & 24th. Also December 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 24th,
> > three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
> >
> > So tell your friends to be careful.
> >
> > P. S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale $2.99 eachThe same sh_t happened to me at Lowes except these girls gave FS.
Daddy Rulz
01-21-09, 02:21
I thought it was funny.
Could be in AR:)
http://www.biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=5838
Hmmm.
http://www.biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=4702
*1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of.
Me,*for I may not follow. Do.
Not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt.
And* a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal.
Your.
Neighbor's newspaper, that's.
The time to do it.*
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be.
Promoted.
5. No one is listening until you fart.
6. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as.
A bad*example.*
9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.*
*
10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple*of*car payments.*
11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their*shoes. That way, when you*criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes.*
12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.*
*
13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to*
Fish*and he will sit in a boat &*drink beer all day.*
14. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it.
Was*probably worth it.*
*
15. Don't squat with your spurs on.*
*
16. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.*
*
17. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.*
18. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.*
19. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes*from bad judgment.*
20. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half.
And*put*it in your pocket.*
21. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain.
Dance.*
*
22. A closed mouth gathers no foot.*
23. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark.
Side,*and*it holds the universe together.*
24. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one.
Works.*
*
25. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is*moving.*
26. Experience is something you don't get until just after you.
Need*it.**
27. Never miss a good chance to shut up.*
*
28. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.*
WorldTravel69
02-22-09, 15:01
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.
And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.
And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will workDamn! It is Just like in my homeland!
QuakHunter
02-23-09, 16:42
Remember when our biggest problems were Bubba Clinton keeping his dick in his pants? Enjoy the attached picture.
Remember when our biggest problems were Bubba Clinton keeping his dick in his pants? Enjoy the attached picture.Damn right Quack, the good ol' days! (Sigh)
QuakHunter
02-25-09, 19:53
In honor of the mother of the octuplets, Denny's is offering a new breakfast meal called the Suleman:
You get eight eggs, no sausage, and the guy next to you has to pay the bill.
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up & saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston. "
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me - Bubba.":)
Gato Hunter
02-27-09, 10:02
Man Dies After 12-hour Viagra-fueled Orgy.
February 26, 2009
MOSCOW -- He won the bet, but lost his life.
Police say 2 women bet their friend Sergey Tuganov that he couldn't keep up with them during a 12-hour sex marathon.
The prize, $4,300.
Tuganov took the bet and decided to boost his chances of winning by downing a bottle of Viagra.
It worked. He won the wager.
But just minutes later, the 28-year-old mechanic died of a heart attack, Moscow police said.
"We called emergency services but it was too late, there was nothing they could do," said one of the female participants who identified herself only as Alina.
QuakHunter
02-27-09, 15:26
But they are funny, stupid too:
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the equipment to do it.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
Considering the hard times are here, probably for long and everywhere I am adopting this philosophy:
If life turns her back on you, take your right hand and grab her ass!
Was this one ever shown on TV?
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/551763/indecent_proposal/
My lucks so bad if it was raining tits I would get hit with a cock.
With St Pat's just around the bend I thought it was time for some Irish fun. This one is supposed to have been voted Best Joke in Ireland.
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!' That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night' She said, 'Aye, did ye now? And what was your toast?' John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.' 'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'
She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull Him by the ears to make him come.'
There's three things you forgot to complete your list Sid:
1-. If you think you can't stand peeing in a tree: fagget.
2-. You prefer salads, light food and crappy food like that: wussy. BTW King Henry the VIII used to say that real men food consisted of meat and good ol' ale!
3-. You are concerned about farting in front of your chick, cause you might hurt her feelings or she could think you are a lowlife scumbag: Faggot.
BTW do you guys know when it's time for a man to wash his underwear?
Check inside your underwear, if there's a penis, it's not time yet!
This crap ain't funny.
Your gay jokes were much better Sidney.
Regards,
BM
This crap ain't funny.
Your gay jokes were much better Sidney.
Regards,
BMI agree.
It wasn't funny, it was sad.
Sad but true.
EDITOR'S NOTE: This report was deleted in accordance with the Forum's SPAM policy prohibiting reports containing political commentary. Please read the Forum's Posting Guidelines for further information. Thank You!
QuakHunter
03-12-09, 12:07
A Redneck from Alabama walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Bakersfield on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked 20 feet away on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out.
The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.
The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?' The Alabama Redneck replied, 'Where else in New York City, can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'
His name was. BUBBA.
A young man moved into a new flat of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the flat next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on the poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; They are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered. "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming. That was me."
Have Fun Or Fuck Off!
Kisses, Roxanne.;)
Tips to help with the credit crunch.
DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite.
Tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another.
Song you like and hum that instead.
DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your.
Identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with.
Your old bank statements.
HOMEOWNERS: Prevent burglars stealing everything in the house by simply.
Moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In.
The morning, simply move it all back again.
SAVE money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply.
Changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,
DON'T waste money buying expensive binoculars; simply stand closer to.
The object you wish to view.
AN empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an.
Inexpensive vibrator.
MANCHESTER UNITED FANS can save money on expensive new kits by simply.
Strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all,
As to your Allegiance.
SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking.
Around wearing a miner's hat.
HOUSEWIVES, the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the.
Price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in.
Your coat pocket.
OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books, simply.
Cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
SAVE on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following.
Morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble.
Full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
SAVE a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam, they.
Will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.
OLD people, if you feel cold indoors this winter, simply pop outside for.
Ten minutes without a coat. When you go back inside you will really feel.
The benefit.
CAN'T afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film.
And press them into your eyes.
WHY pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips.
From the freezer and try piecing together potatoes.
MIX tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto! Toffee.
MAKE your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on.
A window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs.
SHOPPERS, when buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them.
Before taking them to the counter to be weighed.
WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't care less.
Anyway and you could use the saved energy to Hoover the house afterwards.
__________________
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war Party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In Honor of the Harvest Festival, you will.
Be executed in three days. Before I kill you, I grant you three requests.
What is your first request?'
The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.'
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the.
Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's Ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's Tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. 'You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you.
In two days. What is your second request?'
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to.
Him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off.
And disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns,
This time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
'You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow.
'What is your last request?'
The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse - alone.'
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's.
Tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,
"Listen very carefully - for. The. Last. F**king time,
I Said. 'BRING POSSE!'
The lone ranger and his loyal indian friend Tonto are traveling through the desert and both of them being very hungry and thirsty decide to hunt something.
LR: Have you spotted something?
TONTO: No but I will use special technique from tribe, I put ear on ground to find if buffalo is near!
He does as he said and after a minute or two.
LR: Well, you got something?
TONTO: Buffalo come!
LR: How do you know?
TONTO: Because ear of Tonto stuck to the ground with semen!
And yet another Lone Ranger joke:
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes The Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabi, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me Saturn is in LEO. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabi, you dumb ass. It tell me someone stolen tent."
AllIWantIsLove
03-24-09, 02:10
Great joke Aqualung. I was laughing so hard my eyes watered!
Thanks, Bob
QuakHunter
03-24-09, 14:12
The Salvation Army realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful attorney.
So a Salvation Army volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the Salvation Army?"
The attorney thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the Salvation Army rep mumbles, "Uh. No, I didn't know that."
"Secondly," says the attorney, "did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"
The stricken Salvation Army rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"
The humiliated Salvation Army rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."
And the attorney says, "So. If I didn't give any money to them, what the f-ck makes you think I'd give any to you?"
A doctor told a prostitute, "Take these pills, eat a bland diet, and in three days I'll have you back in bed.
From the Arkansas Democrat Gazette.
Two local men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Shag Bag Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog-gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out.
As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the.22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on east-bound toward the White River bridge. After traveling approximately 20 miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound.
Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Shag Bag shot his balls off or we might both be dead" stated Wallis.
"I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder.
Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife, asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck. Lavinia's got her priorities straight!
The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc. Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down-sizing and it's effects on a 50 year old executive.
Nonplused, she loaded him into her car and drove down to the local hospital. Pointing to fine structure she informed him that he owned the land it was built on and that they paid him $6000 per month rent. She handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank.
She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments. By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car. She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied,
"If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!"
Sid, where do you get so many good ones, the one about Pelosi had me LMMFAO.
Good one!
QuakHunter
03-30-09, 14:47
A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch together, when gramps pulls a beer out of his cooler.
The little boy asks: 'Can I have a beer Grandpa?'
Grandpa replies: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'
The little boy answered: 'No Grandpa. It's just a little pecker'.
Gramps says: 'Well then, you're not man enough to have a beer'.
A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar.
The little boy asks: 'Can I have a cigar Grandpa?'
Once again, Grandpa asks: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'
Once again the little boy replies, 'No, it's too little'.
Gramps replies, 'Then you're not man enough to have a cigar'.
A little later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and some cookies.
Grandpa asks, 'Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?'
The boy ask, 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'
Gramps replies, 'Hell yes, my pecker can touch my ass'.
The little boy replies, 'Then go fuck yourself'. Grandma made these for me.
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels."duh". Bottles won't fit in typewriter!
March - Got excited. Finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months. Box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours. Power went out!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid. Eight cups of water won't fit into those little packets!
June - Tried to go water skiing. Couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition. Learned later, other swimmers cheated. They used their arms!
August - Got locked out of car in rain storm. Car swamped, because top was down.
September - The capital of California is "C", isn't it?
October - Hate M & M's. They are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4½ days. Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!
December - Couldn't call 911. Duh. There's no "eleven" button on the phone!
What a year!
* Airplanes usually kill you quickly; a woman takes her time.
* Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
* Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go."
* Airplanes don't object to a pre-flight inspection.
* Airplanes come with a manual to explain their operation.
* Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.
* Airplanes can be flown at any time of the month.
* Airplanes don't come with in-laws.
* Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flown before.
* Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.
* Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.
* Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.
* Airplanes expect to be tied down.
* Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.
* Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
* However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's usually not good.
How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
1 to move it to the Lighting section.
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section.
7 to point out spelling / grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
5 to flame the spell checkers.
3 to correct spelling / grammar flames.
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb". Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum.
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum.
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?and of course...
1 Exon to proclaim everyone as "Cocksuckers and Motherfuckers".
QuakHunter
04-01-09, 13:02
Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Seamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Bushmill's Irish Whisky.
Seamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!'
They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Seamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you have just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
6. Your wife / girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. I hope we can still be friends.
B. I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.
C. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU.
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
QuakHunter
04-02-09, 16:31
An aging Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked desperately, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Wouldn't you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban screamed at him, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the old Jewish man," it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.
When the little Jewish man asked if he felt better now, the Taliban barely muttered "Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"
QuakHunter
04-02-09, 16:33
A man and his wife were watching a TV program on psychology, when the man turned to his wife and said, "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
She said, "Of course I can: you've got the biggest penis of all your friends."
QuakHunter
04-02-09, 16:53
I was depressed last night so I rang a suicide hotline.
I was transferred to an out-sourced call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
Any Love is Better Than No Love!
An old guys walks into his neighborhood bar, grinning from ear to ear. The bartender looks at him suspiciously and asks," What in the world happened to you? I've never seen you smile like that."
Old guy says, "Well, after I left here last night I was walking by the railroad track and I saw a woman lying on the tracks. I picked her up and took her back to my house, and we had the best sex of my life, all night! Every position, every fantasy, it was wonderful!
"Was she very pretty?" asked the bartender.
"I don't know," replied old guy. "I didn't find her head.
Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it. "Greetings Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 1200 feet into the desert, where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"
The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, it is that if any guy who can wrap his dick around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, he is someone you don't want to mess with."
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by.
Almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls.
That could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have.
Never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old.
Lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular.
Numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the.
Numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde.
Stepped out.
The father then said quietly to his son.
"Go get your mother."
Kris walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."
The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things.
People actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published.
By court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these.
Exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
***
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
***
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
***
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.;
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
***
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
***
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he.
Doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
***
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
***
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
***
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
***
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new.
Attorney?
***
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
***
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.
***
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition.
Notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
***
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead.
People?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
***
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
***
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WIT NESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p. M.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
***
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
***
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a.
Pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began.
The autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing.
Law.
A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.
"On a trip to the Black Hills of South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and
smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and
threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off, or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!"
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
"Couple of minutes ago."
QuakHunter
04-13-09, 17:55
Lincoln and Obama are very much alike:
1. Lincoln placed his hand on the Bible for his inauguration. Obama used the same Bible.
2. Lincoln came from Illinois. Obama comes from Illinois.
3. Lincoln served in the Illinois Legislature. Obama served in the Illinois Legislature.
4. Lincoln had very little experience before becoming President. Obama had very little experience before becoming President.
5. Lincoln rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration. Obama rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration.
6. Lincoln was a skinny lawyer. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
7. Lincoln was a Republican. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
8. Lincoln was highly respected. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
9. Lincoln was born in the United States. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
10. Lincoln was called Honest Abe. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
Punter 127
04-14-09, 10:03
This is what I think of when Daddy Rulz calls me "Bubba"
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, 'Business trip or pleasure?'
She turned, smiled and said, 'Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston. '
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your role at this convention?'
'Lecturer,' she responded. 'I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'
Really?' he said. And what kind of myths are there?'
'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.'
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she said, 'I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.'
'Tonto,' the man said, 'Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.
QuakHunter
04-15-09, 12:18
When I was 16, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 18 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In University I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I was lucky to find a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 32 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless so I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 40, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am much older and wiser now. I'm looking for a girl with big tits.
A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to European the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom," he asked, "are these my brains?"
Not yet" she replied.
LETTER FROM A FARM KID, NOW A SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS RECRUIT.
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a. M. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc. But kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "rot march"
Is bout as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot.
The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride aroun and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why.
The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Haggett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have have to be careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in SilerLake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
LORRAINE.
_____________
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says,.'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says 'Touchdown, tie score.'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,.
'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,.
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got,.
And accidentally shits in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.
A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,
"This is from the gentleman who is seated over there." and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants "
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:
"Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have a beautiful homes in Aspen, Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back."
QuakHunter
04-29-09, 12:28
At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
Good question, noted the Rabbi.
"We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.
What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.
We collect them and send them back to the manufactures, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the "know-it-all" Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.
"What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
A teacher is explaining to her 1st grade students that human beings are the only animals that stutter.
A little girl raised her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he had jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must have been scary', said the teacher. 'It sure was', said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'. And before he could say 'Fuck', the Rottweiler ate him.
Little boy to his mom:
"Mommy, how come I am black and you are white?"
Mom back to little boy:
"After the party I went to that night, you are lucky you don't bark Barack."
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well.
Waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and.
Say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning,.
Let alone " Happy Birthday."
I thought.
Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.
They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast.
And didn't say a word. So when I left for the office.
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,.
"Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday! "
It felt a little better.
That at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door.
And said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside,.
And it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch,.
Just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane,.
That's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know,.
It's such a beautiful day.
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,.
"Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom.
For just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Ok." I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out.
Carrying a huge birthday cake.
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends.
And co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there.
On the couch.
Naked
QuakHunter
06-26-09, 16:34
So Farrah died and went to heaven.
God asked what she wanted, she said "Keep the children safe."
So God killed Michael Jackson.
QuakHunter
06-26-09, 17:14
What is the blame for Michael Jackson's death?
A) Sunshine.
B) Moonlight.
C) Good times.
D) Boogie
A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide." the blonde replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"
"No silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest. "So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth." "So then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger!"
QuakHunter
07-08-09, 12:30
An elderly man in Kentucky had owned a large farm for several Years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so He fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while to look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him "We're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Some old men can still think fast.
QuakHunter
07-09-09, 19:49
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and Acne?
Acne waits until you are thirteen before it unloads on your face.
QuakHunter
07-10-09, 12:46
Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside.
"Elio, I wanna you lissina me. I wanna you to take-a my chrome plated.38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna DA business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'?"
Grandpa Dies making Love.
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied," He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous. Simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if that damn ice cream truck hadn't come along."
Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:-
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure because of the following:
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
A high functionary of the IMF dies and arrives at the gates of Heaven. Saint Peter is at the door and asks him: "What have you donne to deserve coming in?" The functionary thinks for a while and said: "Last week I gave 25 cts. to a poor man in the street". Saint Peter asks the Arcangel Gabriel to check this information. A few minutes later Gabriel confirms the fact. Then Saint Peter said: "Well, that's O. K. But it's not enough". The high functionary thinks again and add: "Wait, there's something more. Three years ago I also gave another 25 cts. to a beggar". Gabriel checks this too, and verify it's true. Still Saint Peter is not conform and asks Gabriel: "What we should do with this guy?". Gabriel thinks a while and said: "Let's gave him back his 50 cts. and send him to Hell".
Now, if we replace "a high functionary of the IMF" for "a conspicuos AP member"...
Just a joke :)
JuanCaminante
07-25-09, 00:55
Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, But one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then He said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?"
Bill replied, "I have been in jail." "Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?" "Well," Bill said, "you know Mary, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?" "Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?" "Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 Years old, I was so proud that when I got into court I pled "guilty". The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury!"
Wild Walleye
07-25-09, 02:02
Strangely, when I have been close to broke, or broke, I make an even more concerted effort to give to those who are worse off then me.
I am not sure exactly why but, I think that by doing so, subconsciously it makes me feel better and lightens my load as I try to move forward to improve my own circumstances.
A high functionary of the IMF dies and arrives at the gates of Heaven. Saint Peter is at the door and asks him: "What have you donne to deserve coming in?" The functionary thinks for a while and said: "Last week I gave 25 cts. To a poor man in the street". Saint Peter asks the Arcangel Gabriel to check this information. A few minutes later Gabriel confirms the fact. Then Saint Peter said: "Well, that's O. K. But it's not enough". The high functionary thinks again and add: "Wait, there's something more. Three years ago I also gave another 25 cts. To a beggar". Gabriel checks this too, and verify it's true. Still Saint Peter is not conform and asks Gabriel: "What we should do with this guy?". Gabriel thinks a while and said: "Let's gave him back his 50 cts. And send him to Hell".
Now, if we replace "a high functionary of the IMF" for "a conspicuos AP member".
Just a joke:)
"The only known cure for Swine Flu has been found to be the liberal application of oinkment."
Ok bad joke, but the swine flu did deter me from flying down to Buenos Aires. I opted for Montreal instead. Much more expensive punani, but amazing women. I'm me for info if interested.
I still can't wait to go down there, nothing more passionate than an Argentinean woman in my book.
Jack
What to do on a plane if the passenger next to you is irritating:
1- Remove your lap top from its bag.
2- Open the laptop slowly and carefully.
3- Turn on.
4- Ensure the passenger next to you is watching.
5- Turn on the Internet.
6- Close your eyes for a brief moment, open them again, turn your gaze upwards to the skies as if in prayer.
7- Take a deep breath and open this site.
http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html
Sidney, I have to admit, I actually Laughed Out Loud when I read that. Good one.
I was in Home Depot the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart. I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big breasts, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
I said, "It doesn't matter --- let's just look for yours."
Most of us old guys are helpful like that.
QuakHunter
08-05-09, 15:31
My girlfriend and I were making love last night when she looked up at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies". So I turned her over on all fours, stuck it in her ass, pulled it out, flipped her back over and came all over her face and hair. She cried.
I guess we don't watch the same movies.
QuakHunter
08-06-09, 14:21
I was in a pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
QuakHunter
08-06-09, 14:21
The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday. Very nice, but I think they may have misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
QuakHunter
08-07-09, 12:09
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.
QuakHunter
08-17-09, 11:07
A teacher in a Detroit, Michigan kindergarten class asked her students if they could tell the class what sound a pig makes.
Little Rodney stood up and said:
"Up against the wall mother fucker!"
I guess there are not too many farms in Detroit.
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big tits."
Richard and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing, Richard headed home frustrated.
A week later Richard's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp. They were shocked to see Richard already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a campfire glowing.
"How did you talk your missus into letting you go, Richard?"
"I didn't have to," Richard replied. "After you teased me last week I went home, slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then the old lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said "Surprise!"
"When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee. She said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed, and do whatever you want."
So here I am.
JuanCaminante
08-20-09, 19:11
A group of male lawyers lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him.
A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"
The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early -- at 6:30 am.
He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2- under par round.
She was fun and pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week.
She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed.
The three lawyers were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed, but wondered if she was trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed.
They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her game.
The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.
The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.
Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth.
When I got married in college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know- what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.
The guys on the team thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back,.
"But what if it's pointing straight up in the air?"
She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late!"
The best lawyer in town, after winning his best case goes to a car dealership and buys a brand new BMW, after paying for it he decides to go to the court house in it so his coleagues would feel envy.
A few meters from his destination he parks the BMW and opens the door, suddenly a truck hits the door and rips it off. He goes berzerk and starts insulting the driver: "You stupid moron, you ripped my f. Ing door and my car is new, dammit A BMW and I just took it from the dealership!
Then a cop appears and tries to calm him down, saying: Sir, I understand you are pretty upset because of the damage to your car, but I regret to inform you that in the crash, the truck chopped your left arm from the elbow to your fingers.
The lawyer, realizing it is true stares at his bleeding arm and says: Damn it! Where is my f. Ing Rolex!
A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he.
Noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention.
And asked, "Sir, what will you have?"
The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please."
The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man.
Had ever had.
The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"
The man answered "oh, about 164."
The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', 'inter-steller.
Space travel', 'the latest medical break throughs', etc.
The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a.
Different tact. He returned and took a seat.
Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have?
"A Martini please."
Again it was superb. The robot again asked "what is your IQ sir?"
This time the man answered, "Oh about 100". So the robot started.
Discussing Nascar racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to.
Expect the Dodgers to do this weekend.
The guy had to try it one more time. Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"?
This time the man drawled out "Uh. Bout 50".
The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,.
"A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e h-a-p-p-y w-i-t-h O-b-a-m-a?"
QuakHunter
09-01-09, 12:37
An 85-year-old monger was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as it was on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my novia for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Jimena, the chica next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.
The Robot actually said.
"Are you here in Buenos Aires visiting from Alabama?"
QuakHunter
09-08-09, 10:57
The Robot actually said.
"Are you here in Buenos Aires visiting from Alabama?"No, SteveC got it right the first time. Come visit me in Alabama and many people here will show you. I'm sure you can debate some Redneck of your past history as a staffer for a President and congressman. They will be impressed.
I know whereof I speak!
Birmingham to be precise!
A husband wrote the following letter to his wife and left it on the dining room table:
'To My Dear Wife.
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy.
I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.'
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
'My Dear Husband.
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to remind you that you are also 54 years old.
As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Marriott Hotel with Michael, one of my students. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
You as a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that although it may appear that we are in the same situation, there is one mathematical difference:
18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
With love
Getting Old Means:
Your friends admire your new alligator shoes, and you are barefoot.
Your wife whispers to you, "Let's go upstairs and make love." Your respond, "One or the other, but not both."
Your doctor is the one telling you to slow down, and not the police.
Getting a little action means you have not taken your fiber today.
Getting Old Means:
Your friends admire your new alligator shoes, and you are barefoot.
Your wife whispers to you, "Let's go upstairs and make love." Your respond, "One or the other, but not both."
Your doctor is the one telling you to slow down, and not the police.
Getting a little action means you have not taken your fiber today.
Two old men were sitting on a park bench talking.
One asked the other "I know you have been married for many years, but did you ever get any (pussy) on the side?"
The man responded "my friend, it has been so long since I have had any that I did not know they moved it to the side"
When I checked into my hotel, I asked the concierge at the check-in desk, "I hope the porn channel on my TV is disabled."
"No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bastard."
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true; no bull"! Exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
11. I went to a seafood disco last week. And pulled a mussel.
12. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
13. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
14. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off. Because, he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
15. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.'
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
16. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
17. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.
18. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
19. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
No offense to our Argentine friends, but my wife sent me this joke in Spanish after Paraguay beat Argentina last week in the World Cup playoffs. Thought I'd translate it and share it:
A paraguayan was calmly eating his breakfast in a restaurant in Argentina when an Argentine guy, chewing gum, walked in and sat at the Paraguayan's table.
The Paraguayan ignored the Argentino to see how he would take it, and the Argentino wasn't very happy about that. The Argentino then tried to make conversation.
"Che Paraguayo, in Paraguay do you all eat the whole loaf when you eat bread?" The Argentino asked.
"Of course," answered the Paraguayan.
"We don't," said the Argentino, smacking his gum obnoxiously. "We eat the soft stuff in the middle and and we recycle the outside part and make bread crumbs out of it and export it to Paraguay."
The Paraguayan listened silently, unperturbed. The Argentino continued chewing his gum, then thought of another question.
"In Paraguay, do you all eat jam with your bread?" the Argentino asked this time.
"Yes, of course," the Paraguayan answered.
"We don't," the Argentino answered smugly. "For breakfast we eat fresh fruit, and the peals, the seeds and whatever we don't eat we put in a recycle container and turn it into jam and export it to Paraguay."
Of course, by this time the Paraguayn was a bit perturbed. But he smiled slightly as he asked his own question.
"And you Argentinos, what do you do with used condoms when you're done with them?"
"Geez, dude," answers the Argentino, now smacking his gum loudly and obnoxiously, "we throw them in the trash, dummy!"
The Paraguayan chuckles and responds, "we don't. After using condoms, we put them in a container for recycling, and then we turn them into chewing gum and export them to Argentina!"
THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD.
Well, it's shit. That's right - shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!
You could pass this along, if you give a shit - or not do so, if you don't give a shit!
Well, it's time for me to go.
Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit.
But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head.
Well, Shit Happens!
When someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Al and Alice were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Al suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Alice promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Alice's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Alice the news she said, ' Alice, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Al hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Alice laughed, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. Can I go home this afternoon?'
Happy Mental Health Day!
THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD.
Well, it's shit. That's right - shit! Didn't even mention take a shit, my personal favorite.
Didn't even mention take a shit, my personal favorite.Had shit for brains and couldn't really get his shit together!
Not really a joke, but a sad reality. Figured I'd post it here anyway:
=======================
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
• Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
• Why the early bird gets the worm;
• Life isn't always fair;
• and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents Truth and Trust. By his wife Discretion, his daughter Responsibility and by his son Reason.
He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers:
I Know My Rights.
I Want It Now.
Someone Else Is To Blame.
I'm A Victim.
Not many attended his Funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
El Queso,
All this is sadly too true. "I know my rights" is rarely accompanied by "I have responsibilities".
El Queso,
All this is sadly too true. "I know my rights" is rarely accompanied by "I have responsabilities".Ditto, this (joke) is a really good one. Unfortunately it doesn't make me laugh anymore. Too damn true.
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After a while, he yells to the bartender,
'Hey, You wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
One - The bartender is a blond girl with a baseball bat.
Two - The bouncer is a blond girl.
Three - Sitting on your right side is blond lady who is a professional weight lifter.
Four - There is a lady sitting beside her who is also blond. She is a professional wrestler.
Five - I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blond woman with a black belt in karate.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a few seconds and says: "No."
He shakes his head and mutters to himself: "Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
'Time wounds all heels.'
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels.
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
'To expedite your visit, please back in.'
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
'We repair what your husband fixed.'
**************************
On a Church's Bill board:
'7 days without God makes one weak.'
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
'Invite us to your next blowout.'
**************************
At a Towing company:
'We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.'
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
'Let us remove your shorts.'
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
'Push. Push. Push.'
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
'We really know our stuff.'
**************************
On a Fence:
'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'
**************************
At the Electric Company.
'We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be.'
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.'
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
'Thank heaven for little grills.'
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a.
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
'Best place in town to take a leak.'
Stevie Wonders and Tiger Woods meet at a party.
Tiger, after a few minutes of chit chat asks: "How's your music thing going?"
Wonder replies: "Pretty good. Thanks. How's the golf?"
Wood responds, 'Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now.'
Stevie says, 'I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.'
Tiger says, 'You play GOLF?' Stevie says, 'Yes, I've been playing for years'.
Tiger says, 'But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?'
Wonder replies, 'Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.
'But, how do you putt?' asks Tiger.
'Well', says Stevie, 'I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.'
Tiger asks, 'What's your handicap?' Stevie says, 'Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer.'
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, 'we've got to play a round sometime.'
Stevie replies, 'Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. That a problem?'
Woods thinks about it and says, ' I can afford that, OK, I'm game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?'
Stevie says, 'Pick a night, any night.'
Times are tough financially. So, a young couple are going over their bills and the wife says to the husband:
"Baby, we are going to have to cut back a little. You beer is 90 bucks a month. We are gonna have to cut that out - at least for a couple months. OK?"
The husband winced in pain. But, hey, it is a real problem. So he agreed.
A couple of weeks past.
The couple were going over the bills again. And the husband sees $125 a month spent on MAKEUP? So, he says to his wife: "Hey, baby. I had to give up my beer, but you are not giving up your make-up AND it is more expensive."
The woman speaks romantically. "Honey, you would not want me to give up my makeup. I where it so I can be attractive FOR you."
The husband responds: "But that was what the beer was for."
QuakHunter
09-29-09, 17:42
When you are having a bad day and think that you are having problems, just remember:
Somewhere in this world, there is a Mr. Pelosi.
A young teen couple – both fifteen - were hanging out on the boy's farm house porch drinking cokes sneaking a smoke and flirting.
As they were looking out at the pasture in front of the house, suddenly one of the bulls rambled over and mounted a comely heifer and had his way.
The young boy said: "You now it might be fun to try that!"
The young girl responded: "What's stopping you, she's your cow?"
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